Chanelle Helm has a list of demands that you darn well better give into, right now, to make up for all the horrible racist things you’re doing every day! Why, you probably spent this morning posting racist memes on Facebook while listening to the latest Donald Trump speech!
Well, thank God for Miss Helm, who has taken to the Leo Weekly to post a list of ten demands she has for you evil white people, even you white people who arrived in America through Ellis Island and had nothing to do with the antebellum South. Russians who arrived in the 1990s after the collapse of the Soviet Union are exactly the same as Italian immigrants who landed in the 1910s are exactly the same as the Dutch who arrived in the 1600s.
So, white people, here’s what Miss Helm wants you to do:
First of all, give your property away.
1. White people, if you don’t have any descendants, will your property to a black or brown family. Preferably one that lives in generational poverty.
2. White people, if you’re inheriting property you intend to sell upon acceptance, give it to a black or brown family. You’re bound to make that money in some other white privileged way.
3. If you are a developer or realty owner of multi-family housing, build a sustainable complex in a black or brown blighted neighborhood and let black and brown people live in it for free.
Does… does she know that all black and brown people aren’t poor? 8% of American millionaires are black. That’s 35,000 successful people who don’t need free stolen homes.
4. White people, if you can afford to downsize, give up the home you own to a black or brown family. Preferably a family from generational poverty.
Continuing on Miss Helm’s list, we are told to start cutting family members out of our wills for being “racist as*holes.”
5. White people, if any of the people you intend to leave your property to are racists as*holes, change the will, and will your property to a black or brown family. Preferably a family from generational poverty.
You know, call me crazy, but people who are “racist as*holes” are generally as*holes, PERIOD. In general, if you’re racist, you’re probably not also going to be a loving, generous, welcoming and kind family member. We’re way ahead of you here, Miss Helms — racists are already cut from the will because they’re generally terrible people overall.
6. White people, re-budget your monthly so you can donate to black funds for land purchasing.
Again with the Ben Shapiro… if you’re bad with money, it’s probably because you yourself are bad with money. Money doesn’t fix a money problem.
And lastly, I’m surprised. Who told Miss Helm that all of us white people owned KKK uniforms? Shucks, I thought we had that secret on lock down. You’ve got me, I’m actually wearing a white sheet right now. I’ll call the cops on myself right now.
7. White people, especially white women (because this is yaw specialty — Nosey Jenny and Meddling Kathy), get a racist fired. Yaw know what the fuck they be saying. You are complicit when you ignore them. Get your boss fired cause they racist too.
8. Backing up No. 7, this should be easy but all those sheetless Klan, Nazi’s and Other lil’ dick-white men will all be returning to work. Get they ass fired. Call the police even: they look suspicious.
9. OK, backing up No. 8, if any white person at your work, or as you enter in spaces and you overhear a white person praising the actions from yesterday, first, get a pic. Get their name and more info. Hell, find out where they work — Get Them Fired. But certainly address them, and, if you need to, you got hands: use them.
10. Commit to two things: Fighting white supremacy where and how you can (this doesn’t mean taking up knitting, unless you’re making scarves for black and brown kids in need), and funding black and brown people and their work.
Okay, I’ve got it now. Make scarves for poor children and let someone else move into my house and quit the Klan and get all of my Klan friends fired. Then, finally, will your life be better?