We need Hillary now
It’s sad, yes, but America probably hasn’t fully grasped the terrifying truth about President Barack Obama’s State of the Union speech.
He has two more to go.
Two more? Ye gods!
The prospect of listening to him blah blah blah his way through two more of these annual speeches is enough to cause the nation to curl up on the floor in the fetal position and start breathing from a brown paper bag. The man is talking the country to death, and we can’t take anymore.
But there is someone who can save us.
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
She must be president. And not in 2017, but now, right away, like this week.
I’m so ready for Hillary. Aren’t you?
If she doesn’t take over immediately, we’ll be forced to hear blah blah blah from Obama about how he’ll improve the economy if given half a chance, more blah blah blah about how he really thinks privacy is important but the National Security Agency has a job to do, blah blah blah.
Oh, and Obamacare would really work if it wasn’t for those technical difficulties and if the evil Republicans would blah, give him a chance, blah blah.
More economic inequality this, and more economic inequality that, and I’m surprised that the geniuses writing about politics in Washington haven’t figured out that if the president is playing the inequality card now, he’ll eventually drop the race card.
The race card worked once for Obama, a vicious strike when his campaign used it to take Hillary out in the 2008 campaign. But is the race card still viable?
Obama might as well bring up his old standby, the declaration that with him in the White House, the oceans will rise and the planet will begin to heal.
And that would be too much.
Which is why I’m so ready for Hillary.
The fact is, Obama has already checked out. He was never interested in being the president as much as he was interested in talking and talking about being the president. And about the only thing he seems to like about the job now is hosting dance parties with Beyonce and Stevie Wonder and taking selfies with that blonde prime minister of Denmark.
America can’t wait years for Hillary to take control of the country and keep the FBI files of her enemies in the White House book room like in the old days.
So, take over Hillary.
For one thing, she’s ready and has paid her dues with Bill. Just think of what she was forced to endure with the future first laddie. And another thing is that much of the media has endorsed her, and if not a formal endorsement, it’s clear that many pundits have anointed her with the oils of inevitability
On top of that, she’s tough. Obama bows to dictators and kings.
If Russian dictator Vladimir Putin dared Obama to join him in taking off his shirt, getting up on a wild stallion and riding bareback in karate pants — while hunting bears with a knife in the Putin fashion — our president would probably be too scared to do it.
But Hillary is a different creature. If she were left alone in a room with Putin and a butter knife, she’d walk out smiling, with his beating heart in her hand.
And then she’d eat it.
Because she’s Hillary, and she’s ready.
Unfortunately, Hillary does have a few enemies.
For example, The New York Times magazine has just done a devastating cover of Hillary as a big fat-head planet HRC. It’s a riff off of Georges Melies’ 1902 silent film masterpiece “A Trip to the Moon.”
No matter what nice things The New York Times says about her and Benghazi, they insulted Hillary by offering up this soon-to-be-iconic image of her bloated head floating in space, a world unto her own.
The media cast Obama as Moses. But the planet Hillary head looks as if it subsists largely on cream pies and the blood of innocents. So it’s not all good.
And then there are the Republicans who want to be president. As if.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is the beached whale lying next to the on ramp of the George Washington Bridge.
Texas Sen. Ted Cruz wants the job, but his problem is that he looks exactly like Count Chocula on the cereal box. Not merely kind of like Count Chocula. He’s the spitting image of Count Chocula. And Mike “Sugar Daddy” Huckabee? Don’t think so.
And the Republican establishment would rather be eaten alive by hogs than let Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul near the White House.
So, how do we install Hillary in the White House immediately?
The first step is to get Vice President Joe Biden out and get Hillary installed as vice president. Biden hasn’t said anything terribly stupid for weeks, which means they’re probably keeping him on a silver chain in the White House basement. So let’s make him happy, and buy him off with a chain of 7-Elevens in Scranton.
Then Obama can quit out of boredom, Hillary can assume her rightful place as president, Obama can open his library in Chicago, and the Rahmfather can move back to Washington as Hillary’s No. 2.
The thing is, we need her in the White House before Obama talks our ears off. And once she’s in, you know what President Hillary will say to those who complain:
What difference, at this point, does it make?
(John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune who also hosts a radio show on WLS-AM. His e-mail address is: [email protected], and his Twitter handle is @john_kass.)