Horror You Will Never Get Out Of Your Brain Again: Bronies

Horror You Will Never Get Out Of Your Brain Again: Bronies

Thank you very much, Kurt Schlichter, for introducing me to yet another cultural trend that I wish I didn’t know exists: The Bronie.

The easiest way to say it is just to say it: There are grown men out there who devote themselves to the rainbow-unicorn-sparkly-pastel fantasy world of the children’s TV show “My Little Pony.” And, more appallingly, it’s not done ironically — they are proud of it.

They call themselves “bronies,” a terrifying hybrid of “bros” and “ponies.” The show’s producers and the network honchos are delighted by this unexpected turn of events.

…All the while, as these pathetic sissies giggle like school girls over magic unicorns that spray rainbows from their horns, real men — and women — who have put aside the temptation to retreat into a frivolous fantasy world are tromping through the wilds of Afghanistan. Such young adults, some younger (in years) than the “bronies,” are protecting all of us — including these pathetic weirdoes.

Fandom, even potentially nerdy fandom, need not be destructive. For example, the original “Star Trek” had real merit. The character of Captain Kirk provided an example of true manhood — note that the attributes commonly associated with ‘manhood’ are not limited by mere gender, as heroes like Sergeant Leigh Ann Hester proved — even within the concept of science fiction. Watching James T. Kirk teaches young males key life lessons — that violence is an important option for defeating evil, that individual dignity is worth fighting for, and that scoring with green alien chicks is awesome.

In contrast, “My Little Pony” inspires them to adopt brony names like Starfire Cuddlecakes and glue fake unicorn horns to their foreheads. Then go out in public.

Shiver.

Hold on one second, it’s the phone. Sorry, it was just the stars of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy calling to say that these guys should be a little more manly. Oooh sorry, phone again. That time it was a guy in Germany who pees sitting down because his wife tells him to do it. He just wanted to say that this whole bronies concept is kind of emasculating. And they hadn’t even seen the pictures. However, being brave and having a strong stomach, I decided to do a search for bronies images on Google. Oh, the horror!

This being modern day America, there’s only one real question left to ask: Who’s responsible for these “men” failing as human beings and turning out to be complete losers who undoubtedly make everyone associated with them in any way feel completely ashamed? Is it liberal feminists, Barack Obama, some sort of heretofore undiscovered form of loser gene, crab men? It’s impossible to know for sure, but it’s completely appalling to see people who think of themselves as “men” behaving like this.

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