‘Rise Up, Ladies! If Your Man‘s A Republican, Stop Having Sex With Him’

Nothing against the Huffington Post, since I write for them occasionally, but the sort of bitter, politically obsessed man-hating harpies who’d take this kind of advice wouldn’t be caught dead dating a Republican anyway.

Maybe you haven’t heard the news lately ladies, but for reasons only they comprehend, Republican men are waging war on you.

…Here’s the good news: It’s within your power to prevent all this from happening. How? Simple. Deny sex to your men folk if they plan to vote Republican. Of course, you probably like sex too, but sometimes people in a democratic society have to make sacrifices for freedom and equality.

In other words, do not have sex with a Republican man unless his name is Vibrator.

…Of course, you first have to determine whether your fella is a Republican, if he hasn’t already told you. This shouldn’t be too hard. Does he own a Glock, which he keeps in case a deer breaks into your house? Does he work for Goldman Sachs? Does he favor the missionary position because it sounds vaguely religious? Does he keep a Confederate flag in his sock drawer? When you go to Macy’s together, does he wander off while you’re in the cosmetics department and secretly fondle sweater vests?

Okay, so now it’s November and you haven’t had sex with him since April. Drooling all over himself, he promises he’ll do anything you say. But what if he tries to trick you? Voting is confidential, so no matter how horny he is, he might tell you he’s voting for Obama, but then vote the Republican ticket instead. How do you prevent this from happening? Simple. Make him stay home on Election Day.

This is in the humor section even though it’s not really funny, but in all fairness John Blumenthal may just be completely untalented (Okay, I’ll give him half credit for the sweater vests crack. That’s SORT of funny — but dated.)

Also, let me just add — if a conservative guy is dating an ultra liberal chick, the sex probably has a LOT to do with it. I mean, let’s face it; he’s not hanging in there because he likes hairy legs and her tedious monologues about how Sandra Fluke is a hero for wanting to force everyone else to pay for her birth control and abortions. So, if the farmer can’t get his milk from the cow anymore, what’s left but to wish her a nice future as a catcher’s mitt and moving on to the next pasture?

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