Good News! There’s Finally A Guide On How To Date A Vegan

I’m so excited. This is something we have all been dying for!

Welcome to TreeShagger, our new column on green dating. If you’ve got dating issues you want us to address in future columns, drop us a line.

Um, TreeShagger? Seriously? You’re having sex with trees?

No one knows what tempeh is. Seriously. Except for an elusive breed renowned for their hotness as well as their dexterity with soy. These people are called vegans.

So you’d like to get frisky with a vegan, eh? Here’s everything you need to know.

Vegans “partake not in the flesh nor the breast milk nor the ovum of anything with a face,” according to Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, obviously the most reliable source. (Ovum means egg. I Googled it for you.)

Personally, most of the vegans I see around tend to look emaciated and have little muscle tone, but, maybe that’s me. Nothing a good steak wouldn’t fix (sorry, just gave vegans the vapors). Anyhow

  • Folklore says vegans travel in packs. If you aren’t a vegan, you’ll need a strategy to break into the pack so you can wrestle away a mate. Start by stocking up on the following:
  • membership to rock-climbing gym
  • early Björk album
  • dreads or hipster haircut
  • fixed-gear bike
  • Thich Nhat Hanh book
  • yoga mat
  • facial piercing or tattoo
  • PETA paraphernalia

Nothin’ says lovin’ like facial cuts and scrapes from piercing’s and a good tramp stamp. You’re welcome to make fun of the rest on your own.

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