Green as a Thistle, Nutty as a Fruitcake

If only the religion known as Environmentalism had a heaven, the impressively devout Vanessa of Green as a Thistle would qualify for entry if she really lives up to even half of her list of 366 green changes. Among her most preposterous techniques for saving the planet:

4. Switching to a recyclable toothbrush

17. Switching to recycled toilet paper

35. Switching to Eco-Dent floss

36. Only drinking fair-trade, organic, locally roasted coffee

42. Not buying any more petroleum-based bath poufs and loufas

47. No more using paper towels or hand-dryers in public bathrooms

48. Investing in permanent laser hair removal rather than shaving or waxing forever

50. Turning off my freezer

54. Changing to natural, paraben-free lip balm

62. Not buying any more Q-tips

64. Recycling my used wine corks through the Bag-a-Cork program

67. Turning my oven off for good

74. Following the “If it’s yellow, let it mellow…” rule

78. Unplugging my whole fridge

85. Switching to an all-natural acne ointment

87. No more take-out, unless I bring my own containers

96. Sleeping naked

98. Not having any more baths

101. Ordering smaller, more eco-friendly business cards

103. Only watering my plants with greywater

108. Limiting my use of elevators

113. No plastic barf bags or packages of Gravol when hungover

125. Keeping the light in the bathroom off each morning while showering and brushing my teeth

130. Using biodegradable pens

136. Not drinking anymore canned beverages

137. Not drinking anymore bottled beverages

140. Only drinking organic hard liquor

145. Eating food straight from the pot or pan

155. Using hand-held fans instead of electric ones

158. Only buying eco-friendly jewellery

162. No more gift cards unless they’re homemade from scrap paper

166. Putting a bottle of water in the toilet tank to reduce the amount used per flush

170. Not wearing a gown at the doctor’s office

183. Only buying used sports equipment

186. Grooming my cat more often to prevent hairballs (and thus use less paper towel and water to clean them up)

187. Buying alcohol in bulk (ie. kegs, 2L bottles of wine, etc)

191. Not using toilet paper for peeing

192. Natural bug extermination, ie. drowning fruit flies in wine or syrup

196. Decreasing the margins on my Word documents

200. Reusing envelopes

202. Eating only ethically raised and caught fish

203. Cutting the end off the toothpaste tube when it’s almost done to scrape the last little bit out

219. Only buying wooden hangers, preferably used [NO WIRE HANGERS! EVER!!!]

224. Getting cooking smells off my fingers with used green tea leaves rather than soap

239. Bringing my own reusable bib to the dentist’s

241. Eating my apple cores (and pear cores, etc) to waste less food

253. Drinking green tea instead of prescription drugs when having a nervous breakdown

257. Not using the fan in my bathroom

261. Reusing old floppy discs as coasters

263. Drinking straight from the bottle

266. Holding my hair up with a pen, chopstick or rubber band from my newspaper instead of buying more elastic bands or other hair accessories

279. Not using soap to wash my dishes unless there’s oil residue

285. No more downhill skiing (unless I carpool there, then haul my own ass up the hill)

289. Letting my dishes dry in the dishwasher rack with my houseplants beneath to collect the excess water dripping off

308. Not buying anymore plastic whatsoever

310. Using a soap dish made from reclaimed chopsticks

311. Collecting the elastic bands from my newspaper each morning and returning them to the delivery boy/girl

319. Going to an eco-conscious bike repair shop

323. Making fenders for my bike from old water bottles

326. Switching to an eco-conscious accountant for tax season

328. Commenting on other people’s decisions that aren’t very green, educating them about why it’s important to consider alternatives

358. Covering holes in the wall with pictures instead of buying plaster

361. Writing poetry in haiku form only

366. Sleeping more

In an earlier time, Vanessa would have lurched around in a hair shirt, haranguing passers-by about their sins. Yet there are hundreds of psychiatrically afflicted individuals in every major city who beat her whole list just by living as derelicts. If she keeps buying her organic hard liquor in bulk, drinking it from the bottle (even though she’s sworn off bottled beverages), and treating her nervous breakdowns with green tea, she’ll soon be ready to join them.

Vanessa, savior of polar bears.

On a tip from Air2air. Cross-posted at Moonbattery.

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