Oh, Noes! Evil Girl Scout Cookies Killing Orangutans, Cause Climate Change

Those evil Girl Scouts are facing dissension in the ranks over the long term plans of Big Girl Scouts to kill all the orangutans and bury the world in globull warming created snow! Are Girl Scout cookies killing orangutans?

It’s Girl Scout cookie season, but Michigan scouts Rhiannon Tomtishen and Madison Vorva are finding other ways to support the organization’s mission of “building girls of courage, confidence, and character who make the world a better place” than selling those famous Thin Mints and Tagalongs. Many varieties of Girl Scout cookies include palm oil, the No. 1 culprit behind deforestation in Southeast Asia, particularly Indonesia and Malaysia.

And deforestation causes…..climate change! So, it’s all the fault of you fatties who have bought those delicious Girl Scout cookies, enabling their master mistress plan!

When Madison and Rhiannon found out that Girl Scout cookies were destroying the forest homes of endangered wildlife like orangutans, pygmy elephants, and Sumatran tigers — and displacing indigenous people — they sprung into action. First, they stopped selling the cookies, and then launched an effort to encourage the Girl Scouts to switch to more environmentally friendly (and healthier) alternatives like canola oil. The Girl Scouts USA and their CEO Kathy Clonginer, however, have refused to act despite efforts by Girl Scouts across the country and the encouragement of organizations like the Union of Concerned Scientists and Center for Biological Diversity.

See, the Girl Scouts organization is evil, and wants to kill the animals……well, not to diverge from my silly alarmist/liberal talking points, but, I actually agree that they should switch from palm oil, because palm oil is the main reason for the deforestation in Southeast Asia, and is displacing the animals, and reducing their population numbers. Except, there is one problem: it is not Girl Scout cookies that are the major use of palm oil, it is the use of palm oil in bio-fuels. The climate alarmists created an environment where companies rushed in to do everything they could to make money developing and offering bio-fuels, and, as usual, the results were worse than the actual issue. Many real environmentalists noticed the problems, as they have also noticed the problems in using corn as fuel.

So, Glenn Hurowitz at Grist (who forgot to mention the bio-fuel aspect of palm oil), don’t blame the Girl Scouts for using a bit of palm oil in their awesome cookies: blame yourself and other climate morons for enabling the people and companies that are reducing those forests, and specifically targeting orangutans for death.

Crossed at Pirate’s Cove. Follow me on Twitter @WilliamTeach.

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