An Internet Chat Prank: The Chicken Of Seeing
So, it’s the middle of the night and I’m finishing up a conversation with my friend of mine on GChat. Out of the blue, I get messaged by a girl I don’t know on Facebook. The pic’s attractive — which is odd. It’s odd because I know a lot of attractive women and one thing I have found about them is that they don’t just blindly introduce themselves to you late at night on Facebook. Life just doesn’t work that way unless your name is Brad Pitt.
So, I look at her profile. The Facebook chick’s name is “Marry Anne,” she has 30 friends, and 20 of them are guys named “Jeff.” There’s very little info. A few attractive pics. Long story short, it smelled.
I told my friend that she was probably a cam girl (They try to get you to look at their nudie website) and I figured I’d talk to her for a few moments to see if I was right. As I got into it, I figured out she was a different type of scammer: A send me money scammer. Long story short, how this works is they build up a relationship with guys who have no social skills, convince them that they want to spend some quality time together, and get them to wire out some money for the trip or some sort of emergency. Of course, at that point, they disappear.
Now here’s something you may not know: Way back in the day, when I ran a humor website, I used to do internet chat pranks. Whether it was screwing around with spammers or convincing Brazilians that I was an Iraqi soldier, it was always a good time. So, once I figured out I was talking to a scam artist (probably from Nigeria or Eastern Europe), it was on like a pot of neckbones. What follows is a transcript of our chat that I copied and pasted from Facebook chat. I did clean it up a bit, but before you ask, yes, I really did say all that stuff.
Marry: Hi john
John Hawkins: Hi
Marry: How are you, John?
John Hawkins: Good. How are you?
Marry: I am fine….where are you presently?
John Hawkins: NC, at the beach. How bout you?
Marry: Whao…sound nice. I am at home in CA. How I wish I can join u there now to feel the fresh breeze?
John Hawkins: Cali’s nice, too.
Marry: Yeah its nice…how many times have u been there?
John Hawkins: Cali? Never. I have friends there tho. So, Marry Anne: How can I help you?
Marry: Tell me more about you?
John Hawkins: Well, before I do, tell me more about you. Why are you messaging me at 2:15 AM Cali Time, I think? Just wondering…
Marry: I live in Santa Maria, CA presently. But, I am originally from Fresno, CA. I am an artwork dealer. I buy and sell artworks and antiques to museums and art galleries. Do that answer your question?
John Hawkins: Sort of. Do you know me at all? It’s kind of unusual to have women I don’t know IM me just to chat in the middle of the night.
Marry: I must confess that I dont know you. Neither have I seen u before. But your picture and profile caught my attention.
John Hawkins: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Marry: I cant believe am saying this…I’m seeking an established, mature, dependable, fun, and genuine man who has a great sense of humor. Trust and honesty are extremely important to me. Who have either have or no children, but I am willing to be flexible if the right person comes along.
John Hawkins: I do have to admit, you are an attractive woman. Are those pictures recent?
Marry: I took this one couple of months ago….Maybe 5 to 6 months to be precise. Why do you ask this?
John Hawkins: Well, once I was on an internet dating site. I met this girl. Gorgeous. But she kept putting off the meeting. I mean this girl? She looked like Britney Spears. Then I met her in person and wow. She looked like a midget Janeane Garofalo. It was horrible! Why do people lie in their pics?
Marry: Ohhh that is bad. I would never do that. Why would she do such thing…it shows she does not believe in herself. I will never go to such lenght because I wanted an attention. I am proud of who I am and I want someone who’s gonna love me for who I am. Are you married now?
John Hawkins: No, divorced. My last wife had this big problem with…this may sound a little odd, but…I did some Peace Corp work down in Haiti when I was younger and I practice voodoo now. It’s my religion. Sigh….most women hate that…
Marry: So, thats why she left you?
John Hawkins: Yes. I mean, I understand it. She was a devout Muslim and she wanted me to convert. She insisted on wearing a burka around the house and everything — and she did it all the time. Even in bed. Can you imagine?
Marry: Ohhhhhhhhhh..I can imagine that myself, because I cant even allow my husband to wear shorts to bed. I was married once but I lost my husband 6 months after our marriage to cancer of the brain….he was diagonised of the cancer two weeks to the wedding date. I love him so much and ive really missed him alot. He died three years ago and since then I’ve not had any relationship and that has been a lonely life….no one to say sweet words to and no one to whisper I LOVE YOU into my ears.
John Hawkins: That is so sad. To honor your husband, I am going to sacrifice a chicken in his honor tonight.
Marry: Ohhhhh that is kind of you ..how I wish am there to honour him together…u make me cry.
John Hawkins: I can tell you’re a good woman. What would it take for us to get together? Would I have to pay some kind of dowry?
Marry: Ahahahha..no need for that. What do you do for a living?
John Hawkins: I am one of only a half dozen people in the world who takes used chewing gum, reprocesses it, and then makes it so people can rechew it again. Have you ever had Wrigley Chew Gum? Half that stuff has already been chewed before.
Marry: And your work is paying your bills well?
John Hawkins: Honey, I make a lot of money. You would never think you could make that much off of rechewed chewing gum, but there’s a lot of cash in the business. It’s tedious actually. All these politicians hitting you up for donations. Relatives wanting to borrow money. Voodoo priests asking me to build them cow sacrifice pits because I have deep pockets.
Marry: That’s alright as long as you find pleasure in what you are doing. I like your gap tooth….you are an handsome man. How old are you?
John Hawkins: 53. That’s too old for you, isn’t it?
Marry: Seriously? You dont look it.
John Hawkins: I look younger because I had facial reconstruction surgery a few years back.
Marry: You look 30.
John Hawkins: I was cleaning used chewing gum off the bottoms of desks in an old school and I didn’t realize it was condemned. The wrecking ball hit the side of the building and it nearly killed me. They had to rebuild my whole face. The good news was that I looked much younger after the surgery. Oh, I’m too old for you, huh? Sigh….
Marry: I dont think you are too old for me……age is just a number. Thank voodoo for sparing your life till now…lol.
John Hawkins: OMG. You don’t practice voodoo, too do you? Have you ever been to Haiti?
Marry: No, I’ve not.
John Hawkins: What religion are you?
Marry: I was born into a christian family so, I think am a christian.
John Hawkins: I hear a lot of bad things about Christians in the media. I mean, you guys are always like shooting up abortion clinics and putting pictures of Jesus in urine in stuff. You don’t do that kind of thing a lot do you?
Marry: I will never do such…..I dont believe in all that I believe in plain concience. Thats what matters. John, to be candid…you are charming and am even scared of staring at your picture any longer because u making my heart beat faster. I cant believe this is happening to me.
John Hawkins: Me either. I think I’m falling in love with you. We’ve got to get together. But, we’re all the way across the country.
Marry: John, pls stop this am scared.
John Hawkins: Don’t be scared darling. We’ll be together soon! Can you just wire me $5,000 so I can book an airplane flight out to see you? I know it seems odd for me to ask for money to see you, but I accidentally sent some used chewing gum with lice in it to Wrigleys, they’re suing me, and I am going to be cash poor for a while.
Marry: I am sorry about that. I dont think we should be talking about meeting now.
John Hawkins: But, but…..honey! I love you! We need to be together!
Marry: Lets take our time to know ourselfs well
John Hawkins: You…you hate voodoo don’t you?
Marry: I don’t honey.
John Hawkins: You are prejudiced against my religion!
Marry: I love you for who you are. But pls just give me a little time…thats all I ask for.
John Hawkins: I am going to sacrifice a chicken tonight all right, but it’s going to be for a curse! The itching curse!
Marry: Wait a second. Itching curse?
John Hawkins: I just sacrificed a chicken to see your location. You are not in California at all. You don’t look like that either. You think you can play these games with a high voodoo priest? Apologize now! It’s your only hope to save yourself from a curse worse than you can imagine!
Marry: John…what is the meaning of all this you’re saying?
John Hawkins: What I mean is this: You have trifled with the feelings of a voodoo high priest. I have sacrificed the chicken of seeing and have found out that you are deceiving me. You are not in Caifornia. You are not even in America. You do not look like the pictures either. I can see you now. And tonight unless you apologize for playing with my heart, I will send the itching curse upon you.
Then you can just call your local Voodoo priest up and ask him to take it off of you and…oh wait, you don’t have a local voodoo priest do you? That means you will have to go to Haiti to have it taken off! No more of your deceptions! The chicken of seeing never lies!
Marry: No one has never said this to me…why cant you trust my words…youre not making me feel confortable around you….why are you toying with my heart?
John Hawkins: Prepare for an indescribable itchiness that goes right down to the bone. Do not say I never gave you a chance to avoid the curse! Oh, many say they do not believe…right up until the moment their uglies begin itching and NEVER STOP AGAIN.
(Marry goes offline)
Other nations are a mystery to many Americans. Hell, most Americans are lucky if they know how many states there
As we wait for our 2010 state of the union address.: It seemed fitting to take a look back just