Advice for the Lovelorn

Question:: I was going about the other porn shops, checking out the Ye Olde Fettish Shoppe’s competition, and I saw it…………The new Jenna Jameson video. I fell in love. I bought it, and took it home. I watched it so much that I broke the tape. I spent over 50 hours a week at her websites (my hands had developed arthritis), and I eventually found out her phone number. I called her up and proposed, only to hear the gentle sound of the phone being slammed down. I figured that she dropped the receiver onto the phone, and that she would call me back, and say yes. I never received the call, so I sent her flowers. A thousand dollars worth I sent her, with my full name and address. Three days later, I received a letter, from Jenna herself! It read:

Dear Stalker,

Listen here Psycho! Quit following me around, Quit sending me flowers, leave my parents alone, and give my dog back. A copy of the restraining order is in the envelope so f*ck off.

Jenna J.

I was ecstatic, and so I wrote her a letter back, asking when the wedding would be. I am still waiting for her reply letter, it should be here anyday now!


Advice from Capn Plank:: I wish I had a nickel for every one of those letters I’ve gotten over the past week alone. I’m thinking through all my experiences I may have hit upon a few ways to help you out, to seal her off as yours forever.

1. When you call her on the phone, start off with real deep breathing, girls love this.

2. Never give her your name, it’ll only take up valuable time.

3. Always tell her how good she looks, and that you can see her right now, and that you’re always watching her. She’ll love to know how much attention she’s getting from you. Tell her she can never ever get away from you, not even with the help of the police.

4. Send her meaningful possessions of yours, such as nude photos of yourself, nude photos of your parents, clippings of pet hair, full fingernails from the fingers you use most, pictures of her with pencils shoved through her eyes and red blood drawn on very graphically (you know girls and makeup, it’s crazy), and most importantly, pictures of people she cares about (such as parents and close friends) taken from a very high powered camera, with cross hairs centered on the subject’s head.

5. Send her upwards of 20 mails a day. Girls love getting mail. Who doesn’t?

6. Let her know you’re always close, and leave subtle hints. Write out things in red paint (or if you’re really in love, cut your finger, don’t be a wuss) on her driveway, first. Then day by day write things closer to where she feels safest. The inside of her house door, her car seat, her hallway walls, and eventually her bedroom and sheets, all across the bed and walls… only seconds after she’s just been through there.

7. Play fun games with her, like Cowboys And Indians. Tie her up while she’s asleep. Tie up her pet dog also, and put it on the train tracks. Keep telling her “Time is running out! Time is running out!”. I would advise that you not be present while this occurs, just because sometimes they get really into it and have actually attempted to kill me– I mean my friend, before. The way around this is to leave a small tape recorder on her nightstand so your voice can be the first thing she hears when she wakes up, which should soothe her, because the gag in her mouth will most likely be making her dizzy headed.

8. When you finally do let her meet you in person, make sure your timing is right. Stand outside the shower when she gets in, and wait for her to come out so you can take full advantage of the element of surprise. And also, girls just love a man who can handle a weapon. It’s bold. It’s dangerous. It’s just plain irresistable. She’ll be so turned on by your standing there dressed in black (you know the old saying, Tall, Dark and Handsome…) wielding a knife, or better yet, a gun, while she comes out of the shower stark naked and dripping wet. She’ll feel so weak and helpless that she’ll be thrilled that you’re there for her.

Hope this helps you out, Taco. Just be careful, man is that important. Sometimes they play little games like “Burn in hell, @sshole”, in which they make you sit in a cold gray square room, for upwards of 30 years. But if you’re careful, you don’t have anything to worry about, unless of course she’s armed. But that just makes it that much more fun.

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