An Open Letter to China
My name is John Hawkins and I run an American web page called “Brass Knuckles Webzine.” I wanted to write the Chinese embassy so that you could convey a diplomatic message to not only the government of China but to all of China’s 1 billion + people.
First of all you may be surprised that an ordinary American citizen is allowed to write to you. You see in America we have what is called free speech. We are free to express our views, criticize our government and even write foreign government to make our opinions known.
Because I was born an American I have the absolute right to say that you rat commie b@stards are persecuting the Falun Gong. I can also say with impunity that your countries leaders are gutless cowards for running over college students with tanks in Tianemen square. It is also my right as American to say that the fact that you are scared of Taiwan, a country 1/100th of your size makes us laugh, and laugh, and laugh! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Now on to more important matters. Our people and our plane. Let’s talk facts shall we? One of those incompetent @ssclowns you call pilots bumped into our plane in international waters. Therefore, our plane had to make an emergency landing on your dreary little island. Then some of your blank eyed, android/soldiers, forced their way into our plane, disassembled it, and took our people hostage.
For this you want an apology? You expect us to be sorry for this?
Hey, Bush may have to kiss your @ss but personally I don’t have to hold back. If it were up to me we’d sweep over China like a great and terrible storm, like a spreading plague, like nausea induced by watching Woody Allen kiss Soon Yi. We’d dig up your ancestors, eat your children, turn your women into whores by exposing them to Madonna videos, and steal your very souls so we could trade them to Satan for fabulous gifts and prizes. Yes I have a vision for China’s future. I see a China whose citizens live in dirty hovels, terrified that their own government might abduct them at any time and torture them because they got on the bad side of some faceless bureaucrat..oh wait..you already have that! Ok, I guess I’ll have to settle for a vision of a post-apocalyptic China where robots hunt down your citizens with their laser eye beams and all your machines turn on you and kill every living human like in that awful Stephen King movie Maximum Overdrive. Think I’m joking? Well maybe we have the technology to do that RIGHT NOW! Are you willing to take that chance you red communist b@stards? If so, don’t blame me when your lawnmower rides up into your room tonight and chops off your foot because you have given it an oil change in 2 years! It’ll serve your right!!
In conclusion, there are so many things we American’s love about China. Your restaurants, Chinese checkers, Bruce Lee (oh wait he was born in San Francisco and then moved to Hong Kong, you don’t even want me to get started on Hong Kong), and your many spectacular martial arts films like “Return of the Ninja”, “The Ninja vs. The Shaolin Monks”, “Night of the Ninja” and of course “The Ninja Girl Does Peking”. Can’t you just give us back our people and our plane? I think we can work things out if you do despite our custom of killing everyone who opposes our imperialistic expansion. But for you guys, our friends the Chinese, we’ll make an exception and just screw you over at every opportunity until a Democrat gets back in office. What do you say..deal? Come on, we’ll throw in the rights to Pokemon, Eminem, all the cats you can eat (if you think dogs are tasty wait until you taste sweet, succulent, cats). Ok, you guys drive a hard bargain. What if we throw in every lawyer you can find to use as target practice? Come on guys..these deals aren’t going to last forever!
I’ll be anxiously awaiting your reply.
The US Ambassador of Whoop @ss
Editor’s note: The following is a guest post by Ben Stein. Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living
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