Anthrax? Did Someone Say Anthrax? Panic, Panic, Panic!
In light of the recent panic over anthrax in the US, BKW has decided to get together with 3 ordinary citizens. Billy Harris who was on a flight that landed today because of an “anthrax” related scare. Dave Patterson owner of “Dave’s Furniture”. Also, Ellen Winters, concerned citizen. Let’s get started shall we?
John Hawkins:: So, is everyone ready to talk about anthrax?
Billy:: Anthrax? OMG, where, where?
John Hawkins:: There’s no anthrax actually…
Dave:: OMG, two people said anthrax! If a third says anthrax then it’ll appear just like that guy from the Candyman movie!!
Ellen:: IEIEIEEEEEE! You just said anthrax a third time!! Now it’ll appear!!!
Dave:: You just said it a 4th time, we’re doomed for sure now!!
John Hawkins:: WOAH! Slow down, slow down, there’s no anthrax here ok? I’m just going to ask you a few questions. There’s nothing to worry about. First of all, Bob. I heard that you were on a plane that immediately turned around and landed after someone opened a packet of sugar and poured it in their tea?
Billy:: Yeah, we were scared out of our minds!
John Hawkins:: By a packet of sugar?
Billy:: It could of been anthrax.
John Hawkins:: Uh..what made you think it was anthrax?
Billy:: It was a white powdery substance.
John Hawkins:: Sugar IS white and powdery.
Billy:: I wasn’t willing to take that chance with people’s lives…
John Hawkins:: IT WAS A F****** PACKET OF SUGAR! HE POURED IT IN HIS F****** TEA!
Billy:: There is no use in taking any nutty risks with…
John Hawkins:: SHUT UP! OH YOU’RE SO F****** PARANOID I CAN’T STAND IT! F*** YOU! ARHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG…. (At this point we took a 15 minute break)
John Hawkins:: Ok folks, things got a little out of hand there and I certainly hope you’ll except my apologies.
Billy:: No problem Arch!
Ellen:: Anyone could get upset with all this anthrax floating around.
Dave:: You’re not kidding Ellen!
Billy:: Yeah this anthrax is making me crazy too..
Ellen:: It was just like I was telling my husband..
John Hawkins:: OK, OK, let’s get back to business. I’m sure there’ll be lots of time for your paranoid rambling after we’re done. Now Dave I understand that you’ve stopped handling your mail..
Dave:: Absolutely. I just don’t think it’s safe.
John Hawkins:: Why is that Dave?
Dave:: Well after Microsoft received a letter from their Maylaysian division that was infected with anthrax I knew it wasn’t safe.
John Hawkins:: Ok..uhm..so “Dave’s Furniture” has a Maylaysian division?
Dave:: No we don’t have a Maylaysian division. Why do you ask?
John Hawkins:: Well I’m asking because I’m wondering why you’re afraid to open your mail?
Dave:: Well after Microsoft got hit it was pretty obvious that the terrorists were going after leading businesses across America.
John Hawkins:: Dave you have 1 store. You have 2 employees. You don’t even advertise. Anyone who didn’t live near your store wouldn’t even know you existed.
Dave:: That makes sense but you never know.
John Hawkins:: Dave, don’t you need to open your mail to run a business?
Dave:: There’s no need to senselessly risk my life opening my mail.
John Hawkins:: …
Dave:: I mean if I want to risk my life I’ll go hang gliding, not do something really risky like opening my mail. In fact..
John Hawkins:: DAVE, don’t ever speak in my presence again.
John Hawkins:: DAVE THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. DON’T EVER SPEAK IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN!
John Hawkins:: Deep breaths, I’m counting to 10 and letting my anger flow away, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ok, Ellen I understand you’re very concerned about anthrax.
Ellen:: Oh yes it’s horrible. People getting anthrax everywhere, it’s like the black plague back in Europe…
John Hawkins:: Ellen..
Ellen:: I bought a gas mask for me, my husband, both of my children, and my dog Foo Foo…
John Hawkins:: Ellen a gas mask is totally useless because..
Ellen:: I’ve known my doctor since I was 5 years old. I got him to give me a 6 month supply of Cipro for my whole family!
John Hawkins:: Ellen, there is absolutely no reason for you to have Cipro. What you have to understand is…
Ellen:: I didn’t let my children go out play today because I was afraid there was anthrax on the playground and..
Billy:: Did you say anthrax?
Ellen:: Why yes I did, it’s just an epidemic and..
John Hawkins:: SHUT YOUR HOLES! BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP! THERE IS NO EPIDEMIC!! ONLY 1 PERSON HAS DIED! 1! DID YOU HEAR ME 1!! I PASSED A WRECK ON THE WAY IN HERE FOR THIS INTERVIEW THAT KILLED 3 PEOPLE! THAT’S MORE THAT THE WHOLE ANTHRAX “EPIDEMIC” YOU MORONS! THERE ARE ALREADY PEOPLE WHO’VE GONE BACK TO WORK AFTER GETTING ANTHRAX. YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR GOURDS!!!
Ellen:: So are you saying that there won’t be anymore attacks and that no one else will die?
John Hawkins:: No I’m not..
Billy:: So anthrax really couldn’t be dangerous if someone sprayed it out of a cropduster?
John Hawkins:: Well it would be dangerous..
Ellen:: A cropduster, where?!?!
Dave:: A CROPDUSTER!! NOOOOOOOOO!
John Hawkins:: There isn’t a cropduster in the..
Billy:: OH GOD, RUN BEFORE THE CROPDUSTER GETS HERE!!
John Hawkins:: WE’RE INSIDE YOU IDIOTS!
Ellen:: I forgot we were inside..
John Hawkins:: HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT YOU’RE INSIDE A BUILDING?! OH I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!! ARGHGHGGHGHGHGHGGH!!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT!!!!!
FacebookTwitterEmail Editor’s note:: The original entries in the diary of Iseema bin Laden were smuggled out of Afghanistan several weeks ago,
FacebookTwitterEmail Kim Grandy, the President of the National Organization for Women, has announced a new initiative to sue all babies