Canadian Fan Mail
We received another great email from one of our fans today! Here’s the email and our response…
>heh John Hawkins eh, i liked your piece on the: canadian menace, i’m from canada and i found it very humourous, especially the part about the moose, meece whatever. that is gold. with stuff like that someday you get to write for a real website. i wouldn’t be surprised if you get picked up by by a big newspaper to write humour, like a retirement community newsletter, even a trailer park newsletter perhaps even the one you live in. man your amazing. your adolecent satire is awesome perhaps you and george bush should get together you could become a speech writer, his humour and retoric is almost as adolecent and unintellegent as yours….jackass
Thank you for signing up for the Right Wing News automated weekly update list! Mon-Fri, 3 times a day you’ll be receiving notices of updates on BKW and all of John Hawkins’s popular non-humor related rants like; why we shouldn’t spend our tax dollars on art galleries, yard sale shopping tips, Canada: our inferior neighbors to the North,& Britney Spears love poems.
Also, once we receive your $75 fee, we’ll be sending you the great gifts you were hoping to get as well!
– A bumper sticker that says “I heart (the word heart represents a traditionally drawn heart that you see a lot around Valentine’s day to represent love. Not a real heart. So many people don’t get the difference) Brass Knuckles Webzine!
– You’ll get a big green button with a B on it (A lot of people have asked where the “k” and “w” are on this one. Well, I stole a bunch of these from a retail convention I was at and the “B”‘s were part of a 5 button combination for Belks. But it’s not like they need them after the convention right?)
– An irregular t-shirt (size extra small) with a list of all the countries that are inferior to the United States on it along with the: national slogans: we thought up for each of them. Some of them include…
Canada: — We needed a slogan, eh. So Joe thought this one up. Canada, it’s not just moose and bad beer, eh… we’ve got trees.
France: — No really, we surrender. Yes, take our women. Jews? Sure, we’ve got plenty of those. Grab a baguette, just don’t hurt us.
Saudi Arabia: — Religious fanatics, terrorism, and fat tyrants in bathrobes who run the country. What’s not to love?
– You’ll get the famous RWN hat that everyone is talking about! It’s a bright green hat that has a BKW logo on it with two legs sticking out. The logo is squatting and a turd is coming out of it’s buttocks! And the logo says “I’m a poopyhead!”
– Last but not least, you’ll get our hottest, most shocking, prank phone calls that are too controversial to make the web site! Examples include…asking a super market if they have “Prince Albert in a can” (you’ll love the punchline for this one), freaking out a teenaged girl so much with our heavy breathing that she breaks down and cries right on the phone, and of course calling random husbands to tell them “that I love your wife and it’s time that the affair we’ve been having came out in the open” (You’d be shocked at how many of them actually believe me!)
***BONUS*** If you pay now we’ll assume you want to go ahead and sign you up for four more years of the BKW fan club at the same low, low, low $75 per month rate!
So reply to this email with your name, credit card number, type of card, expiration date, mother’s maiden name, phone number, full address, social security number (if you’re not from some backwards foreign country that doesn’t have them), user/pass for your internet account, and of course the pin number for your checkcard. If you don’t have this information, we’ll simply assume you give permission for the maladjusted squad of computer hackers on our staff to break into your computer and acquire it.
– If you were signed up for the Brass Knuckles Webzine fan club by accident please reply to the following address to have your name removed: [email protected] Just a reminder, the _ symbols are not part of the email address. They represent “missing letters, numbers, or symbols” you have to correctly guess in order for your email to arrive. We thought it would be more fun that way!