|
Interview: Archfiends Co-Worker Chris
by Archfiend
Editors Note: recently Archfiend and I
had a conversation. we talked about a good many things, but one
thing that popped up in the conversation that really seemed to
stick for me is the mention of Archfiends co-worker Chris. you
see, Chris isn't like normal people, Chris doesn't find everything
I do absolutely golden, hilarious, and outrageously funny.In
fact, he seems to hate everything I write. Well, Chris. this
one's for you...
Ozrael: Hi
Chris, how are you?
Chris:
I'd be better if I weren't talking to you. I hate you.
Ozrael: So
I've heard. So I take it you're not an eReel fan?
Chris:
F*** no!
Ozrael: So
what exactly don't you like?
Chris:
Everything about you! Your articles, your interviews, your graphics,
I even think your sentence structure is repulsive.
Ozrael: What
about my hair?
Chris:
I hate that too.
Ozrael: Do
these pants make me look fat?
Chris:
No... but I still hate you!
Ozrael: Okay,
I was worried.
Chris:
Could you get back to the interview?
Ozrael: Just
a minute, I'm going out after this.
Chris:
This is about me.
Ozrael: Yeah,
yeah, yeah, it's just that I have a life.
Chris:
So... ummm.... aren't you going to ask me some questions?
Ozrael: Okay,
who is your favorite musician?
Chris:
Celine Dion.
Ozrael: Celine
Dion?
Chris:
Celine Dion.
Ozrael: Celine
f****** DION?!?
Chris:
Yeah! You got a problem with that?
Ozrael: No...
I will respect your beliefs no matter how raunchy and perverse
they are.
Chris:
Raunchy and perverse? Celine Dion is a beautiful singer, and
everytime I hear her voice I fall in love.
Ozrael: I
bet. So which of my articles do you hate most?
Chris:
I'd have to say your "Getting Screwed At Pizza Hut",
I mean come on, the CD's are free, they're supposed to suck...
Ozrael: Your
mom...
Chris:
What?
Ozrael: I
said... uhh... Is that what you told John?
EDITORS NOTE: ARCHFIEND=JOHN
Chris:
What the hell, YES! that's what I told John now quit inter-
Ozrael: Okay,
so why do you read my material if you hate it so much?
Chris:
You just interup-
Ozrael: I
just what?
Chris:
You di-
Ozrael: What?
Chris:
Yo-
Ozrael: What?
Chris:
STOP INTERUPTING ME!!!
Ozrael: Who's
interrupting?
Chris:
Damn it, I hate you!
Ozrael: I
think I should probably get back to the interview, so what else
do you hate about me?
Chris:
Well, first of all you get off on these wierd a** tangents, you
seem to write in stream of thought. It's sickening and it pisses
me off big time.
Ozrael: Did
you know that Tangalos are a hybrid of oranges and tangerines?
Chris:
That's just what I'm talking about! Who the f*** cares?
Ozrael: Now
who's going off on a tangent?
Chris:
What the hell? You are!!!
Ozrael: Am
I?
Chris:
Yes!
Ozrael: So
have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Chris:
No.
Ozrael: Have
you ever had sex with a... wait I can't say that on my site *writes
it down on a piece of paper and slides it across the table*
Chris:
You are one sick f*****
Ozrael: Is
that a yes?
Chris:
NO!!!
Ozrael: Is
that a guilty concience?
Chris:
Guilty over what? You're such an a**hole.
Ozrael: I'm
not going to let you change the subject on me.
Chris:
Just drop it.
Ozrael: So
it's true then?
Chris:
No, just move on...
Ozrael: Did
it hurt? I mean, the... ya know... the shell?
Chris:
No, I used some petroleu... hey... uhh... shutup!
Ozrael: I
think I've heard enough *smiles*
Chris:
Just shutup.
Ozrael: Okay
okay, so what else do you so boldly dislike?
Chris:
I absolutely detest how you fight or kill the people you're interviewing
at the end, it's just stupid. It's stupid, just like you.
Ozrael: At
the end of the interview?
Chris:
Yeah at the end!
Ozrael: *throws
Chris's coffee into his face shattering the mug on the bridge
of his nose*
Chris:
OWE! F****** s*** man, what the hell?
Ozrael: *Tips
the table on top of Chris and stands atop it pinning Chris to
the tiled interview room floor*
Referee:
1!
Ozrael: This
is it Chris
Referee:
2!
Chris:
I f****** hate your a**
Referee:
3!
Chris:
Where'd this referee come from?
Referee:
4!
Ozrael: *jumps
up and down*
Referee:
5!
Chris:
Ouch, you b****
Referee:
6!
Ozrael: Do
my articles still suck?
Referee:
7!
Chris:
Yes, you no-talent hack, you aren't fit to type the nutritional
information on a bag of brand X cereal.
Referee:
8!
Ozrael: Is
that so? *rips leg off of table and pummChris over the head with
it*
Referee:
10! The winnnnnnnnerrrrrrr iiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssss OzzzzzzzzzzzzRAAAAAAAEEEEELLLLLLLLL
Chris:
Ouch, son of a... hey he didn't say 9!
Ozrael: Well,
I never said we were perfect.*cracks chris over the head with
table leg*
Whiskey Jack:
Hey Oz I finished digging that hole you wanted.
Ozrael: Thanks
Jack.
Whiskey Jack:
No problem man.
Ozrael: *grabs
Chris's arms*
Whiskey Jack:
*grabs Chris's legs*
::30 minutes later::
Ozrael: Wow,
that cement sure did dry fast.
Whiskey Jack:
Yeah... it did. And the paint too...
Ozrael: Yeah
that too.
Archfiends Place of Work: *is a little less negative*
The Electric Reel:
*Now has a handicapped parking space*
EDITORS NOTE: NO HARD FEELINGS CHRIS, I
KNOW NOT EVERY ONE IS GOING TO LIKE MY WORK. I HOPE YOU WILL
CONTIINUE TO READ AND HATE MY ARTICLES AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE IN
THE PAST. THE BEST TO YOU. SORRY IF YOU'RE OFFENDED, I ASSUME
THAT IF YOU READ ARCH'S SITE THEN YOU MUST HAVE SOME TYPE OF
A SMIDGEON OF A PARTICLE OF A FUNNY BONE SOMEWHERE OR OTHER IN
YOUR BODY.
|
