Constitution Ruled Unconstitutional

Today the Federal Appeals court in San Francisco ruled that the Constitution itself was unconstitutional because the phrase “year of our Lord” was used in Article Seven. Therefore, the court ruled that instead of the Constitution, the United States would in the future be governed by a combination of the principles set forth in the Sylvester Stallone movie “Judge Dredd”, the lyrics of Beatles songs, and some notes the San Francisco court jotted down on cocktail napkins.

Circuit Judge Alfred T. Goodwin said this wasn’t an easy decision to make, “Well right before we ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional, the lawyer for the defense pointed out that the Constitution has the phrase “year of our Lord” in it. I was tempted to call him a liar right then and there but since I’d never read the Constitution before, I thought I’d better check it out first. You can’t imagine how shocked and disappointed I was to find out that the Constitution violated itself. That’s when I knew I had to overturn it.”

There were some people who disagreed with Goodwin’s ruling like House Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R – TX),

“Goodwin is a lunatic who is representative of the left’s…hey what are you guy’s doing? Get off of me! Do you know who I am?!?”

At that point Delay was dragged away for breaking the “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” Article of the new Constitution which forbids insulting judges.

Goodwin said it was sad but necessary to send Delay to a prison camp in Alaska because, “The only law we have now is our new Constitution and once you start interpreting the law any old way you please it can lead to total disaster. Besides, as they said in “Judge Dredd”, ‘I am the Law’ and I never liked Delay anyway.”

Then Goodwin went on to explain the new currency that would soon be put into circulation, “Our old bills have the words “In God We Trust” on them so obviously they all have to be replaced. Our new bills have all the members of Beatles on them. Ringo, Paul, John, and George are all getting their own bills. On the downside, Yoko Ono’s picture is going to be on the hundred dollar bill but we’re hoping that having her face on there will cut down on counterfeiting.”

At that point “Vice-Judge” Stephen Reinhardt entered the room and eagerly began to discuss the “Napkin Amendments”, “I convinced Alfred that there were some legal questions that even Judge Dredd and the Beatles Songs weren’t capable of addressing. For example, how can you use the song “A Hard Day’s Night” to justify socialized medicine? It’s just not possible. That’s why I scribbled a bunch of ideas down on a cocktail napkin to fill in the gaps. I was going type them out but it was kind of late so we decided to just use the napkin.”

When asked what these “Napkin Amendments” entailed Reinhardt replied, “Well I watched Braveheart a couple of weeks ago and I loved the whole concept of “prime nocte.” You know where a noble has the right to sleep with any woman on her wedding night? So we put that in for judges and I hung a sign up sheet in the judges lounge at the courthouse. If Britney Spears or one of the Olson Twins gets married, I get first crack at ’em.”

At that point, Reinhardt and Goodwin had to cut the discussion short in order to talk with Paul McCartney about writing a Constitutional amendment mandating a sequel to Judge Dredd. “The only downside” Goodwin opined “is that the movie may lose so much money that it could drive the deficit up. Unless…we made it illegal NOT to go the movie.” Reinhardt nodded, “I bet they never could have come up with something like that 200 years ago.”

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