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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
Parris Island, South Carolina - They come from all parts of America, from all walks of life. Some are from poor families, some are extremely wealthy. But like all Americans they're banding together in a time of need. They are the dogs of America, and like civilized people everywhere, they're outraged at the video of Arab terrorists brutally gassing an innocent puppy while testing weapons of mass destruction.
"Buncha camel-f**kin' puppy killers," snarled Max, an English bulldog from the Flatbush section of Brooklyn. "When I saw the video I knew I couldn't just sit on my keister or chase my tail. I had to do something. Well, I come from a long line of military dogs. My grandfather was a commando in Europe during WWII. Boy did he have stories to tell. He's the reason Hitler only had one ball. So, joining the Marines seemed the thing to do. I just can’t wait to start biting Arabs."
I next spoke with Raoul, a French poodle from Boca Raton. He was getting his finely coiffured fur shaved off in a regulation Marine buzz cut. "Zoot alors, I saw the video and knew that this madness had to be stopped. We French poodles have supported America ever since the time of General Lafayette. The filthy Arabs will pay for this genocide, make no mistake about that."
Even Hollywood dogs are getting involved Eddie, the irrepressible terrier from the TV sitcom "Frasier," has asked to be temporarily written out of the show while he joins the Marine K-9 Corps. "I told my agent to make it happen. It's times like these when you realize there's more to life than just being on a top-rated TV show." The diminutive Eddie is currently undergoing rigorous training as a reconnaissance commando who will enter caves and eliminate Arab terrorists hiding underground.
I entered the barracks to speak with Drill Sergeant Rex Bloodhound, a 20-year veteran from Biloxi, Mississippi. "I've seen a lot of mutts come and go over the years," said Sergeant Bloodhound. "But these men are the most motivated and disciplined bunch I've come across in a long time. Don't even have to reward them with biscuits" Sergeant Bloodhound grinned and chuckled, "I don’t think those ragheads know what they're in store for. Almost feel sorry for the dumb sumbitches. Not quite." Sergeant Bloodhound then picked up a rawhide toy with the words "Osama Bin Laden" written on it and bit it in half with one bite.
We walked out to the parade grounds where the K-9 recruits were engaging in mock combat. "Look at that Chihuahua over there," Sergeant Bloodhound said as he pointed out the dog in question. "Little fellow only weighs 2 and a half kilos, but he's carrying a full pack weighing 85 pounds. Damn, if that don’t make an old wardog like me proud."
The dogs then began to jog and started chanting this cadence:
I don't know but I've been told
Baghdad nights get mighty cold
Saddam's rule is almost over
Or my name ain't Private Rover
Sound off Arf two
Sound off Woof Woof
Before I left the base the new Marines invited me to join them for a little after hours cat chasing. I politely declined, but instead they presented me with a set of official Marine K-9 Corps dog tags. "Wear them and if you ever get into a dangerous situation you know that the Marines will be there to help you," said King, a German shepherd from Cicero, Illinois. "And they show that you've had all your shots."
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