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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
President Bush recently did something that not only impressed me, it depressed me. He ran a three-mile race in 20 minutes 29 seconds. Only one other American president has ever run that fast -- and he was being chased by Hillary Clinton.
Bush's time was so impressive that some Democrats are calling for an investigation. "The president says he did three miles in 20 minutes," said Senator Joseph Lieberman. "That's rather surprising, because most politicians haven't done three miles in 20 years. Some of my colleagues do run regularly, but when I ask them if they've ever had any speed, they all plead the fifth."
Bush, 55, raced against hundreds of White House staffers, beating all but 25 of them. He easily passed Dick Cheney during the vice president's 14th heart attack.
Cheney: "Mr. President, I need ... some ... help."
Bush: "Just move your hands, Dick. You can run faster if you take them off your chest."
So why did Bush's performance depress me? Well, here's a confession: I'm almost 20 years younger than Bush and I have NEVER run three miles that fast -- not even while crossing the border.
If the president is in such good shape, setting an excellent example for America, it's pretty obvious what everyone else needs to do: organize a race for world leaders. Forget the Olympics and World Cup -- I'd pay good money to see the Presidential Race.
I want to see Yasser Arafat in running shorts. I want to see Tony Blair in a tank top. I want to see Atal Bihari Vajpayee in motion.
The first leader across the finish line wins a Porsche. The second leader wins Monica Lewinsky. Whoever comes last wins $500 billion in WorldCom stock.
I'm betting that Bush would finish among the top three, especially if the race is held in Washington D.C. In some sports, it's called "home field advantage." In running, it's called "knowing all the shortcuts."
However he fares, Bush has already sent America a message about the value of exercise. He wants people to exercise regularly, so more of them can lose weight and fit in voting booths.
At least 60 percent of Americans are overweight and face a higher risk of diabetes, heart disease, and collapsed chairs. Some of them do exercise on a regular basis, visiting the gym once every five years. Others get exercise now and then, whenever they have to run after the ice cream truck.
In certain cities in America, everybody owns running shoes, but nobody actually runs. In certain villages in Kenya, nobody owns running shoes, but everybody runs -- especially when someone shouts, "Lion!"
Of course, running isn't suitable for everyone. But for most people, there's a good alternative: walking. Years ago, almost everyone walked, but these days, walking is mainly for children and dog owners. Even the homeless don't walk anymore.
Perhaps the government needs to buy ads to remind people what their legs were made for. "Remember walking? It's what you did before you got wheels, before escalators and drive-throughs popped up everywhere, before you turned into a lazy butt. Walking -- try it again and bring those memories back to life!"
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Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up
in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the
early 1980s. Read his previous columns at
http://www.melvindurai.com Write to him at comments@melvindurai.com.
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