God’s First Day As Head Negotiator in the Middle Eastern Conflict Goes Poorly


Today God himself took over as the head negotiator in the conflict in the Middle East. Using his powers he brought Yasser Arafat, Ariel Sharon, and all of their people to heaven itself where they were waited on hand and foot by angels as God attempted to broker a ceasefire.

God motioned for silence and began “Whether you are a Palestinian or an Israeli, you are one my children. That’s why I want you both sides to stop fighting and to co-exist in harmony from this point on! I have spoken!”

A great cheer went up from the Palestinian side as Yasser Arafat proclaimed “See? God is on our side! He will rain death and destruction down on the infidels as a million martyrs march to Jerusalem!”

God interrupted “Actually, what I said was…”

Ariel Sharon interrupted “A million martyrs marching to Jerusalem? I knew I should of killed you when I had the chance! The tanks are rolling as soon as we get back to Earth!”

God called out “That’s enough of that you two! I want peace and I mean it! Yasser tell your people that we’re going to have peace!”

Arfat frowned and then turned to face his people “(In English) You all heard what God said. We will be living in peace with the Jews from now on. (In Arabic) Yeah right! I’m handing out suicide belts soon as we get back to Earth. Who’ll be the first to blow themselves up for peace?!!?” A great roar then went up from the crowd.

“Yasser I do speak Arabic you know. You do realize I’m God right? The God?” said the frowning deity.

Ariel Sharon leapt to his feet “See what a jerk he is? I’m going to kill that SOB myself!” At that point Sharon pulled out a pistol but former Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak tackled him before he could shoot Arafat.

At that point several Palestinians emerged from the audience and yelled “He was going to kill our leader! Get him, get him, get him!” as they rushed towards the Israelis.

God himself tried to get in front of the Palestinians but they ran around him into a waiting group of Israelis. Futilely God shouted “Hey this is heaven, not the Springer show. Knock it off!”

Two dozen angels tried without success to separate the combatants as thousands of people from each side joined the fighting.

God then sat down next to a man dressed all in black with two horns head who was reputed to be the devil. He then handed him a hundred dollars and said “Well I was right about Job at least and no I don’t want double or nothing” before sending both sides back down to Earth.

At the time of the article, God has not issued a press release announcing when the next meetings will be taking place.

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