Guide to Dating (As Based On Movies And Sitcoms)

1. Really beautiful women are all cheerleaders and are always going out with sports figures. That means in high school, they date only the football players or basketball players. No one else. If you do not play those sports, you are out of luck. So leave your wussy loser sports like track, soccer or baseball. In college, it is pretty much the same, except the cheerleaders now dance at Bob’s Hoochie Coochie Bar, and anyone can ‘date’ them for $300 an hour.

2. Boys with really cool cars, no matter how nice looking, are always mean. For that matter ANYONE who looks nice, is really a mean, abusive, alcoholic, drug-using, commie-worshipping, date-raping, no-account loser. But see No. 3.

3. All women dig bad boys. They will get all wet and sweaty at a bad boy with a cool car or motorcycle.

4. Really attractive women secretly long for ugly/nerdy geekboys because they secretly long for a guy who can explain how create a metholated hydrocarbon.

5. All heterosexuals are just frustrated homosexuals. They are just two drinks away from lesbian/gay sex. They will thank you for making them realize this.

6. Beautiful women think it is really sweet when you eavesdrop on their conversations with other women, go through their closets and purses to find out stuff about them, do computer searches to fin information on them. It shows you care about them a lot.

7. Rich guys secretly long for poor, slutty, skanky girls with good hearts. Rich women long for rough and smelly guys with hair on their backs to ‘make them feel like a woman’.

8. There is always a five star restaurant with a reservation available for your date tomorrow.

9. Unless you want to go to a diner, in which case, it will be open and not a trace of that nasty ptomaine poisoning that usually haunts the place.

10. Single waitresses are always beautiful. They get ugly when they get married.

11. There are just as many single dads as there are single moms, and when they date, only rarely will they date each other. The children of single parents can also determine instantly, and without error if the ‘date’ is a good parent.

12. Sex happens on the first date, if they are good people. Only bad people ‘tease’ their dates by making them wait until the second date (or on a WB or FOX sitcom: for a date at all.)

13. No female ever has a period when she wants sex, but PMS will happen once in the woman’s lifetime for a comedic effect.

14. Men will turn down an opportunity for sex from ugly women.

15. Cute guys always get some girls, even if they are psychotic, murdering rapists who eat children they have sacrificed to Baal on a full moon, as long as they have a good car and a lettermen’s jacket

16. Teens will always have hip stylish clothes, even if they are orphans, living in a cardboard box. They may need to borrow them from their rich friends.

17. Always wakeup in make up. For that matter sex never messes up your hair permanently, as soon as you step out of the shower it is instantly dry or somehow wet and stylish

18. Foreign exchange Students are always slutty.

19. No one in a love triangle will ever get a restraining order against the obsessive one. They will just keep trying to impress the object of affection with their wholesomeness and caring.

20. The starting captain/quarterback/pitcher is always a jerk and dating the prettiest girl in school. When he goes down with some injury, the chick he was dating will have some new stud slide into bed with her before the pillow gets cold.

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