United Nations, Sept 16 - Bowing to international pressure and the threat of a U.S. Invasion, Iraq has agreed to let weapons inspectors return without conditions. According to a letter to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan from the Iraqi foreign minister, Naji Sabri, all that needs to happen is for certain conditions to be met so that the unconditional return could commence.

"When are we talking about, a return in 2006? 2007?" said Mr. Sabri, during a preliminary meeting with U.N. officials. "What, sooner? No problem. Just fill out this form. And these inspectors are all to be from Madagascar, right? What, no? No problem. We'll just have to delay things a bit while we hire some new cooks, and redesign the fine guestrooms. We were going for an Afro-Island look. Now it's back to the drawing board. This will all take time. Also, we're going to need some time with the access ramps. What, the inspectors aren't going to be wheelchair bound? Couldn't they be tied to wheelchairs? No, not as a condition, but just as a formality?"

Despite these logistical issues, Iraq promises unfettered access to all of the 35% of Government controlled land the inspectors will want to examine. The remaining 65% has been designated one really big, winding Presidential palace. Said a high-ranking Iraqi official, "There's no way we're going to be building any weapons of mass destruction in the Presidential Palace. Too messy. Saddam likes things clean. I mean, the guy makes us kiss his armpits, for Christ's sake."

When the U.S. responded to the mention of any such limitations with a launching of planes from Turkey, boats from France, troops from Saudi Arabia and even several battalions of elephants from Carthage, Iraq stressed that these were "formalities" and "Logistics-to be worked out."

"Hell," said one Iraqi negotiator, "They can probably come into parts of the palace. They'll just have to take off their shoes and wear these house slippers. And blindfolds. We have nice silk palace blindfolds. Also, they would have to ignore the fleets of trucks full of heavy equipment fleeing the site. Other than that, you'll be completely unfettered."

The White House remains skeptical. Said spokesman Ari Fleischer, "Oh, we're going to war. Don't you sweat it. They'll screw up, and we'll blow them to kingdom come! They are so dead. Of course, the President hasn't yet decided what course of action we'll be taking, and is still weighing his options, but they are so dead."

Upon hearing this, the Iraqi negotiator said, "Did I say blindfolds? Nonsense! These guys are welcome back unconditionally. We missed these guys. Just fill out this form. Now, the inspectors are all going to be from Syria, right?"

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