|
George W. Bush: 'No Decision Has Been Made About Iraq'
by John Hawkins
President George Bush again confirmed today from his home in Crawford Texas that 'no decision has been made about Iraq.' Here's part of the transcript of his latest press conference…
Q: Mr. President, you've repeatedly said that you have no 'plan on your desk' for an Iraqi invasion yet numerous plans for an invasion have been leaked to the press. How do you explain that inconsistency?"
The President: Well, I don't have any plans on my desk. I may have seen some of them, discussed them with my staff, held them in my hand, and even rolled up one of them and swatted Jenna on the head for asking if she could have a beer, but none of those plans have ever been on my desk.
Q: But Mr. President if you have an invasion plan that you've been reviewing, doesn't that indicate that you've decided to invade Iraq?
The President: That's not the case at all. I mean let's say that there's an alien invasion tomorrow and the whole United States is suddenly forced to fend off hordes of 'saucer people' who want to stop our senior citizens from collecting their Social Security and their Medicare payments. Well if that happened, I'd do whatever it took to defend the interests of our seniors and I hope they'll remember that in November.
Q: Ok...well let's say that there's is no alien invasion. Would we invade Iraq?
The President: Well that's a hypothetical question so I don't think I should answer it. Next question.
Q: Sir, you're ducking the question...
The President: Well I can't tell you because I haven't made a decision yet. Sure Saddam Hussein is a modern day Hitler whose destiny I believe is to be obliterated by a cruise missile, but that doesn't mean we're going to war.
Q: Mr. President, who would be firing a cruise missile at Saddam Hussein if not us?
The President: Well it could be almost anyone with all the weaponry we've given to the Kurds in Iraq. It could even be his son Uday who we've cut a deal with on the side to assassinate Saddam next week. Just kidding Saddam...or am I?
Q: The World Tribune has reported that your administration has sent letters to various governments in the Middle East telling them to prepare their people for 'regime change in Iraq'. If there is going to be a 'regime change' doesn't that mean we're going to invade?
The President: Not necessarily, Saddam could decide to do the right thing and kill himself.
Q: What about the Germans Mr. President? They've already said they won't be with us if we invade Iraq?
The President: Well it's a shame that the..oh excuse me..I think I have something in my throat...(light cough) wussies (light cough) Germans won't be joining us if we decide to take military action against Iraq. We'll be trying to change the...oh excuse me..I think I have something in my throat again...(light cough) wussies (light cough), sorry about that. We'll be trying to change their minds.
Q: Back to Iraq, Mr. President....
The President: We've talked about Iraq enough today. Why don't you reporters get out and enjoy the sights in Crawford?
Q: Mr. President, there aren't any sights in Crawford...
The President: Sure there are, there's a giant sign on the way into town that reads 'Welcome to Crawford Texas, Home of President George Bush.' I even saw a dead armadillo about five miles down the road. Why don't you guys do something useful and see if it's still there?
Q: Are you saying that what we're doing isn't useful?
The President: I'm just having some fun at your expense and buffing up my poll numbers a little bit. Every time I screw around with the press I gain a few points in polls because everybody hates you guys. Karl Rove was even joking around with me the other day and saying that I'd go up 10 points in the polls if I had the Secret Service rough members of the press up after they asked dumb questions...at least I think he was joking. Hmmmm....
Q: But Iraq is...
The President: Stop right there, that's enough questions for the day. Like I said earlier no decision has been made about Iraq. Now I'm going back to clearing brush for the rest of the afternoon in-between phone calls from the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Donald Rumsfeld, and Iraqi Opposition leaders. Every time I get one of those calls I imagine Saddam's face on the trees just before I hit them with the ax...it 's very relaxing. Good luck finding that armadillo boys...
|
