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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
Kmart filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and Democrats quickly lined up to make a political issue out of Kmart's troubles.
Senator Joe Lieberman was quoted as saying "This is a very serious situation. People are going to lose their jobs and their pensions. Because this is a serious situation we have to ask the question that's on everyone's minds: How did the Bush administration cause Kmart's collapse?"
Dick Gephardt continued "I believe we have a "blue light special" on corruption in the Bush administration. I have claims sent to me via email from unnamed sources who may or may not be fictitious who claim that George Bush bought some underwear from Kmart during the 2000 presidential campaign. Was that purchase part of some sinister money laundering scheme that led to Kmart's demise? Of course there's no evidence that suggests that is the case but that's exactly why we need to open 11 different investigations to make sure there isn't even the slightest inkling of truth in these scandalous allegations."
Senator Hillary Clinton agreed "There is so much we don't know about this Kmart crisis. Were laws broken? Did their auditing firm shred documents? Did they give campaign contributions to the Bush administration. Did they call any members of the Bush administration asking for a bailout? Has anyone from the Bush administration ever been in a Kmart? Did George Bush have sexual relations with Martha Stewart? Sure Laura Bush and the American people may believe him when he says "no" but let's put him in front of a special prosecutor and see what he has to say."
Tom Daschle summed it all up for the Democrats "Kmart..people hurt..Bush administration.."blue light special" on corruption (good one Dick)...money laundering..investigations..Bush administration...laws broken...shredding...Bush administration...Bush having affair with Martha Stewart...scandal...corruption..Bush administration...scandal, scandal, Bush, corruption, corruption, Bush, scandal..vote Democrat in 2002..thank you ladies and gentlemen..."
Meanwhile across town Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer was grilled relentlessly by the White House press core about the growing "Kmartgate" scandal....
Q: Mr. Fleischer, how do you react to claims that George Bush has been having a 21 year affair with Martha Stewart.
Ari Fleischer: That's completely ridiculous.
Q: So you're not denying it?
Ari Fleischer: Yes, I'm denying it. It's absolutely untrue.
Q: So you're changing your story from your earlier statement?
Ari Fleischer: What? No, I'm not changing my story. President Bush has never even met Martha Stewart.
Q: I believe president Clinton said something similar about Monica Lewinsky at one time...
Ari Fleischer: Yes he did, but he was lying sack of pig sh*t unlike president Bush. Next question..
Q: Mr. Fleischer, can you provide us with a list of contacts that were made between the White House and Kmart executives?
Ari Fleischer: What do you need that for?
Q: Well to clear up these allegations of wrong doing?
Ari Fleischer: What allegations of wrong doing?
Q: Well there isn't anything specific but I was hoping to just make it appear that there was by printing all the contacts between the administration and Kmart and then...oh wait..did I say that out loud?
Ari Fleischer: ....Yeah, no thanks on the list of contacts. Next question...
Q: Did George Bush buy any underwear from Kmart during the 2000 presidential campaign?
Ari Fleischer: What kind of questions are these? How the Hell should I know that?
Q: So you're refusing to answer?
Ari Fleischer: I'm not refusing to answer, I just don't know. It would actually be a little bit disturbing if I knew the answer to that question. Next question...
Q: Mr. Fleischer, what do you say to Democratic Charges that there's a "blue light special" on corruption in the Bush administration?"
Ari Fleischer: A "blue light special" on corruption? What does that even mean?
Q: Ehr...I'm not exactly sure..I just heard Dick Gephardt say it...
Ari Fleischer: Oh screw this, and screw you. The press conference is over.
As Ari Fleischer left the podium there were still many questions left to be answered. Would "Kmartgate" be bigger than "The Teapot Dome Scandal", "Watergate", and "Whitewater" combined? Should the impeachment trial start now or should we wait until we actually find some evidence of wrong doing? There's no evidence or allegations that President Bush had a threeway with Laura Bush and Martha Stewart but shouldn't we just assume it's true anyway? After all, that never stopped us before right?
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