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Interview: The Creator of Pokémon
by Ozrael
EDITORS NOTE: FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE
SUBJECT OF THIS INTERVIEW HE WILL BE REFERED TO THROUGHOUT THIS
INTERVIEW AS MR. MIME.
Ozrael:
Mr. Mime, you are the creator of Pokémon?
Mr. Mime:
That is correct
Ozrael:
And what is stopping me from shooting you dead like a dog in
the road?
Mr. Mime:
I might bring hit's to your site...
Ozrael:
Okay, you live... for now.
Mr. Mime:
Thank you, I just want to be heard.
Ozrael:
To start, what inspired you to create a soul eating money squandering
enterprise?
Mr. Mime:
That would be the success of other soul eating money squandering
enterprises.
Ozrael:
So what was you plan? And how did you get started.
Mr. Mime:
The plan was simple...
Ozrael:
Really?
Mr. Mime:
After watching the rise and fall of such creations as Power Rangers,
Big Bad Beetle Borgs, VR Troopers and The Bologni industry, I
needed something incredibly stupid
Ozrael:
Stupid?
Mr. Mime:
Absolutely, children love incredibly stupid s***, and if children
love to watch it, they love to have it, so now I can force adults
to buy incredibly stupid s***.
Ozrael:
Quite a plan Mr. Mime, typically these things start as TV shows
and spread to other mediums, why did you decide on going with
the pokémon video game?
Mr. Mime:
Well, quite frankly the industry was skeptical that a TV show
could be so incredibly stupid as to attract the dominant 3-12
year old TV audience without the aid of giant Zords, Borgs, or
Bots. They were also afraid that a title that did not reveal
the entire content of the show could pull in the interest of
said audience.
Ozrael:
You mentioned the age group of 3-12 years of age, why do you
suppose this group is so easily drawn in by insanely stupid s***?
Mr. Mime:
Well, Japanese scientist have dicovered that at from birth to
age 3 a child is still learning early motor development, and
from age 13 and up they are learning to cope with basic and advanced
social situations which fosters the physical and sexual changes
occuring. As you can see, there is a 9 year gap... during that
time the upper functions of the brain shut down. The lower functions
such as respiration and reflexes remain the same, but concious
thought is completely dead, it's in a sort of hibernation.
Ozrael:
If they can't think then how do you get such a widespread response
to your marketing?
Mr. Mime:
It's really quite interesting, the deadened portion of the brain
responds to energy signals, such as the ones used in your TV,
which literally forces the kid to do what the TV says.
Ozrael:
Wow...
Mr. Mime:
I know, ain't it cool?
Ozrael:
So where do you plan to take pokémon next?
Mr. Mime:
We're going to keep making movies and cards, we've actually enslaved
12,000 7-11 year olds to work in our factories, for... get this...
pokémon stickers! How easy is this? We've even struck
a deal with Michael Jackson, who wants to turn the theme park
in his backyard into a kids only Pokéworld. Can you imagine
how much money we'll make? Michael isn't even taking a share
of the profit!
EDITORS NOTE: MR. JACKSON IS REPORTED AS
SAYING "I'M NOT DOING IT FOR THE MONEY, I'M DOING IT WITH...ER...
FOR THE KIDS, FOR THEM."
Ozrael:
So I guess we won't be rid of pokémon anytime soon?
Mr. Mime:
That's right Oz.
Ozrael:
So what are your personal goals?
Mr. Mime:
This might surprise you, but I plan to get into politics.
Ozrael:
Oh, but don't most adults hate you?
Mr. Mime:
This is true, however we've implanted a mind nullifying transmitter
in every Pikachu leaving our factories, while it doesn't work
on adults it prevents children from evolving into their adult
forms. In 20 years we will hold the entire voting group ages
18-32 which at this time lies as an all but untapped resource.
At this point I can run for President...
Ozrael:
But you're a Japanese citizen, you're inelligable for Presidential
Candidacy.
Mr. Mime:
True, but with my drones being voted easily into office we can
amend the constitution.
Ozrael:
So you want to be President?
Mr. Mime:
No, I want it all... the world.
Ozrael:
You're going to conquer the world with pokémon?
Mr. Mime:
Exactly, and I'll get back at all those idiots who send me hate
mail!
EDITORS NOTE: NOTE TO SELF, KILL MR. MIME
Ozrael:
Oh... *shoots Mr. Mime*
The World:
*becomes a better place*
The People:
*rejoiceful feelings of liberation*
Society as a Whole: *thanks Ozrael*
The Children:
*sit numbly in their chairs blissfully unaware of their own gullability*
A New Evil:
*Lies waiting on the horizon of tomorrow, patiently planning
to devour our children and with them our future... it has taken
on a new sinister form... Bubble Gum Music...*
The Leaders of Tomorrow: *Lounge lazily in a Stabucks sipping on their
Double-caffed Mochafrapawhositchino au lait, stirring the foam
thoughtfully, their minds filled with hope... for the future*
Ozrael:
What a crock of s***
Pikachu:
Pika... Pika-aaaa-CHU
Ozrael:
*picks up a sturdy rock and commits the most heinously violent
act of his life*
The Surroundings:
*Fall silent, witness to the bloodthirsty rage of someone forced
to coincide with the enemy for so long*
Ozrael:
*Wipes the misted blood from his forehead and walks onward, following
the winding path that may just lead him to his destiny, the destiny
of a Pokémon Master* Some day, Some day..
If you liked this satire, check out some of Oz's
other work at the Electric
Reel.
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