So How Are the Death Matches This Time of Year?


So it’s late at night in JULY 2001. I’m working on BKW and I get an ICQ message from some poor girl in Thailand. I quickly realize that she doesn’t seem all that familiar with the net, she wants me to help her with her travel site, she’s a foreigner who probably has a poor grasp of English, and everyone thinks Americans are crazy anyway. So I figured all those factors put together meant I could probably pull off a Hell of an ICQ prank. I did so and then promptly put this one away so I could edit out the grammar errors (most of mine at least ;) before I put it up. I then probably got interested in playing StarCraft or reading about how many elephants Hannibal used when he attacked the Romans or some other such nonsense and completely forgot about the prank somehow…until I ran across it tonight. Welcome to Min’s death match nightmare…(**Min’s ICQ name has been changed to protect the innocent**)

Min:: Hello

John Hawkins:: ??

Min:: Hi, how’re you?

John Hawkins:: I am well and who are u?

Min:: I live in Phuket Thailand , I search for people who interest in magazine.

John Hawkins:: Hehe..what magazine =)

Min:: Any magazine, I will do magazine for tourist here.

John Hawkins:: So how did u run across my contact? =]

Min::) What do you do?

John Hawkins:: I run a webzine and work for an internet wholesaling company…..

Min:: Cool, how is your business?

John Hawkins:: Not too bad..I always liked Thailand..I heard you guys have death matches and stuff..someone and you put glass on your arms and you fight to the finish!!!

Min:: Haha, many things here..but one thing doesn’t mean everything.

John Hawkins:: Yeah that is the coolest thing about Thailand…here in America if someone insults you, you have to duel with pistols at 30 ft….that’s dangerous..I mean not that getting punched in the face with glass isn’t but pistols!

Min:: People know about your country :)

John Hawkins:: Ya it’s pretty scary….I mean they started putting these Robocops on the street two weeks ago…they malfunctioned and shot a guy because he was French and didn’t understand English well enough to respond when he asked him “what are you doing” It’s crazy like that here…..and don’t even ask about the trolls……

Min:: Really? Sounds dangerous but my country behind you about 50 years.

John Hawkins:: Yeah and the trolls aren’t as bad as the goblins…We never had a troll or a goblin attack until George Bush became president…..It seems pretty obvious he made a deal with the devil…am I right? Oh and how can I help you?

Min:: I don’t like G Bush :) (he’s not handsome)….have you ever come to Thailand?

John Hawkins:: I always wanted to go there and compete in one of those tournaments to death…

Min:: Hehehe, what do you mean?

John Hawkins:: I got the impression that’s what everyone does in Thailand….you go to your country…find a teacher, learn to fight really good and then get in a death tournament…..I don’t know if girls would have to fight in the death tournaments or not but if I win one baby u can be in my corner!!

Min:: Hahaha, I see.

John Hawkins:: I have never heard of anything else in Thailand…what else is there?

Min:: Beautiful country and nice people.

John Hawkins:: And what do you do in Thailand?

Min:: I’m normally work for publishing all my life and now I start to do a magazine for tourist with my partner in Norway.

John Hawkins:: One great selling point with tourists would be the fights to the death…I would really love to see one…maybe you guys could televise some of them?

Min:: Sure, in October everything will finish ,we also start to make website namewww.absolutethailand.com.

John Hawkins:: You know I do interviews…if you could get me an interview with the death match champ of Thailand I could definitely help…..

Min:: I will find out, we have Thai boxing but not serious ..just a sport.

John Hawkins:: Ah..I got it…you can’t tell foreigners about it? I understand…look what if I tell you some stuff about the USA that we aren’t supposed to tell? We are planning to take over Cuba next week and the giant robots are almost ready to release…..now do you have any video footage of the Thai boxing death fights?

Min:: I do not know exactly about that but I’m easy to find out something and if you want to see that video i want to see too…give me some time.

John Hawkins:: Oh I have seen some of them…they had these Thailand people hitting each other with clubs, glass, granite statues, and portajohns and chasing each other around yelling things with like “mugwhump, Rob Van Winkle, Yahoo Serious”!!!!! I didn’t know the translation into English tho.

Min:: Strange, that I never see anything like that.

John Hawkins:: Oh I am sure you have…you just can’t tell me because I am American…ok..ok..I know the game…The robots have laser eyes and are 300 ft. high….now can you tell me where to get the tapes? You do tourism…you have to know.

Min:: You’re right, I should know ..the problem is now I live in a small island located at south of Thailand…here we just see party time.

John Hawkins:: Ummm…death fighting parties?

Min:: Haha, do you really want to see that. I can give you the picture of the winner.

John Hawkins:: Sure…send it over.

Min:: I need your email address.

John Hawkins:: ACK!!!! After I talked to you…you’re are sending me a virus!!!!! ACK……you were my favorite person in Thailand too even tho you won’t tell me about the death matches!!!

Min:: I promise if I know I will tell you and I won’t send you virus.

John Hawkins:: Oh no not a trojan!! That is even worse!!! I should of known someone from a country where they beat each other to death with ping pong paddles would do that to their friends =(

Min:: Sound very funny for me, come on I will send you my pic :))

John Hawkins:: Now you are sending me a naked pic? That is some way to promote tourism!! Course I bet it draws lots of people over.

Min:: I never want to show my body..not Thai traditional :)

John Hawkins:: Ah I see…..okies….[email protected]. I was scared you wanted to try to marry me so you could become a Us citizen =)

Min:: Haha…that the most funny story I ever heard about..I prefer to stay in my country.

John Hawkins:: You aren’t interested in marrying me, becoming a US citizen, and then getting together and doing death match training are you?

Min:: Interesting but later :)

John Hawkins:: Ah……so you want to know more about the giant robots?

Min:: Yes…please.

John Hawkins:: They were first built back in 1947 but they proved too slow to be effective…but once they were infused with nanoprobes, exterior circuiting, cold fusion, virgins blood, exterior plating, and laser upgrades for the eyes they were ready to go…tank shells bounce right off em and they can eat people in a single bite

Min:: How do they look like?

John Hawkins:: Like those big Mighty Morphin Power Rangers robots…they carry giant swords and boomerang’s..they even have a Canadian one that carries a hockey stick and a bomb that looks like a big can of beer…hahahaha

Min:: They must look very funny,huh!

John Hawkins:: Yeah…you’d never think that they could take out a whole city at one time either….but between the lasers, and the bombs, and the feet what could crush a feller, they can do it easily…..

Min:: Sound like a movie.

John Hawkins:: Nah…we use these for military maneuvers…people don’t know about them outside of the US that much..but I heard they are going to use them to take over Cuba along with the robocops and the vampires….

Min:: Next week and no more Cuba?

John Hawkins:: We will take them over…..been planning it for a long time..Castro once said something bad about the US so we have no choice but to take over his country and publicly execute him…….

Min:: US…don’t give many choice to another country anyway

John Hawkins:: YA I agree…..So is Thailand planning to take anyone over in the next few months?

Min:: Ha, we never do that.

John Hawkins:: WOAH!!!!! I just got your picture: (**I did actually receive it but I deleted a while back so I can’t put it up. It looked to be a legit pic**)…but you said you are from Thailand..the girl in this picture is wearing tradition Falkland island clothes….that means you are a guy!!!!!

Min:: Hahaha….I hope so.

John Hawkins:: You hope you are a guy? UGHHGHGH!!!!

Min:: Cause sometimes it’s not easy to be a woman.

John Hawkins:: Women have it easy…….making babies, working in kitchen, and then drinking themselves unconscious watching soaps..it is an easy life.

Min:: I want to see your pic too.

John Hawkins:: Sure =]: Here: is a picture of me and my pet.

Min:: Ok.

John Hawkins:: Do you have any pictures of yourself with a fish? Everybody does that here.

Min:: Fish?..Why?

John Hawkins:: It is the cool thing to do…like carrying a gun, making out with Britney Spears, or eating a neighbors cat….it is WACKY!!!!!

Min:: I will take photo with fish for you, but I don’t want you to think that I want to act like someone who want to eat a cat.

(**At that point it was late and I was tired so I went on this strange rant and accused her of being a Canadian and disconnected which was a fitting end to the conversation although it wasn’t funny enough to post. Sorry Min wherever you are. PS. I still want those death match pics**)

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