Taliban Accuses America Of Targeting Civilians

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban accused the United States of targeting civilians in Afghanistan. Taliban spokesman, Sayed Sardar Ahmad Ahmadi took western reporters to a huge bomb crater outside of Kabul. “Look at all these school buses full of children murdered by the anti-Muslim American forces!”. After CNN reporter Kamal Hyder pointed out that the school buses were actually tanks and the children were actually adult Taliban fighters Ahmadi grew angry and said “Is it obvious that these are school children who were on their way to class” as he kicked a rifle under the tread of one of the “school buses”.

Ahmadi then led reporters to a nearby Red Cross. “This Red Cross has been targeted by the American infidels” said Ahmadi. Ahmadi then led reporters past a 1/2 dozen tanks parked on the streets and 2 dozen crates of kalashnikovs that were stacked against the walls of the building. Ahmadi pointed to damage on the side of the building caused by American bombs. “As you can see the American bombs destroyed the anti-aircraft guns that the Taliban had installed to protect the Red Cross from American planes.” Ahmadi stepped aside for a moment as several trucks full of food left the Red Cross and started the long drive to Taliban strongholds in the mountains. Then Ahmadi continued “How are the Afghani people supposed to eat this winter with the Americans depriving them of the food in this warehouse? This sort of behavior is so barbaric it makes me want to stone somebody to death!”

Ahmadi then predicted that the US will start targeting mosques in Afghanistan as several Taliban fighters drove tanks into a mosque nearby. Ahmadi insisted “We think the American mistreatment of Afghani civilians are unacceptable under any circumstances” as some of his bodyguards beat several men who were walking by for not having long enough beards.

The Taliban then drove reporters to the outskirts of Kabul where the Taliban were fortifying a baby milk factory against attack. “Look at what the Americans have driven us too” said Ahmadi. “In order to protect this baby milk factory we have moved 300 of our fighters here.” MSNBC Foreign correspondent Dana Lewis asked why the sign above the factory had the word “barracks” crossed out and had “Baby Milk Factory” written over it in what appeared to be still wet paint? Ahmadi’s reply was drowned out by a helicopter filled with Taliban fighters that was landing on the roof of the factory. Several people got off the helicopter including a very tall man with a turban. Cries of “Hip hip hooray, Osama’s here!” soon echoed throughout the compound. Ahmadi then screamed “This interview is over”, denied several urgent requests for a tour of factory, shoved all the correspondents back on a bus, and sent them back to Pakistan.

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