The Brass Knuckles Guide to the American Lawyer (Epluribus Scumsuckingus iceheartedess sobness)
The Lawyer is one of the unique animals that roam the North American continent like an elephant with diarea spewing offal for the rest of us to step in.
Some people believe that the lawyer is born like most people from a mother and father. However, this is an urban legend. Lawyers are spontanteously spawned from any place where large amounts of dung is left in filthy piles. Some notorious breeding spots include the sewers of Los Angeles, the stables at the Kentucky Derby, and of Rosanne Barr’s bathroom.
Like most parasites, the lawyer sustains itself by feeding on any hapless victims it runs across. Young lawyers often take advantage of divorcees and accident victims, by siphoning money away from them for their own vile purposes. The money the lawyers aquire is often used to feed the lawyers basic needs which include adult diapers, coffins, and puppy skin boots.
Tracking the lawyer is an easy task because they often leave a wide trail of slime and empty wallets in their wake. Many lawyers choose habitats that suit their vile temperments. Therefore, anyone walking through a crypt, wine cellar, bordello, or dark crawlspace should be careful to check carefully for lawyers before proceeding. If you do run across a lawyer, make sure to avoid all physical contact for fear of their dreaded lawsuits unless you are somewhere where you are unlikely to be discovered in which case you should smash the lawyers head in with a brick.
Lawyers aren’t called “The Kings of All Parasites” for nothing. Unlike their closest genetic relative the tick, lawyers are able to suck money from their victims as well as blood. Furthermore lawyers have managed to reproduce in staggering numbers because of their unique defense mechanisms. When a human encounters a tick it simply kills it. When a human encounters a lawyer it immediately pays another lawyer to protect it hoping that the amount of cash hemoraged to the lawyer on “it’s side” will be less than the amount the other lawyer would of taken from it. It’s a twisted and perverse scheme, but lawyers have managed to make it work.
So let’s say (God Forbid) that you come face to face with a lawyer. First off, remember that despite their near human appearance, these vile creatures enjoy nothing more than eating human babies and defecating on people’s new leather couches. Therefore, if at all possible I’d recomend you run away. If that’s not possible, again I’d recomend you smash the lawyers head in with a brick. Then it’s imperative that you cut the beasts head off, and then burn both the body and cover the remains with a barrel of holy water. God knows you don’t want to wake up from a sound sleep with a dirty, drooling, lawyer who you thought was dead standing over your bed.
If I can get one thing across in this article, it’s that you should run around smashing lawyer’s heads in with bricks! Do it! In fact..let’s say your an isolated unhappy lunatic…much like those kids from Columbine or Ted Bundy. Every day you think about killing some people and making the world notice you. Well what better way than killing lawyers right? Has there ever been a serial killer who just killed lawyers? Wow, think of the newspaper clippings. I bet they’d make a TV movie of the week about you, you’d be famous! In fact, is this an opportunity you can afford to pass up? I tell you what, just kill one lawyer and see how it feels. If it feels right, go for it!
Editor’s Note:: Ok, I’m just having a little fun when I’m talking about killing lawyers. You should not run over any lawyers with a truck or smash in their heads with a brick. It would be completely wrong to drive a railroad spike through a lawyers head or toss a lawyer of a cliff (wink, wink). Ok, ok. ok..I don’t condone being violent towards lawyers…BUT I UNDERSTAND IT!!!!! Hehehe..ok, enough fun…j/k please don’t hurt any lawyers. No lawyers were harmed in the making of this article either.
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Editor’s note: The following is a guest post by Ben Stein. Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living