The Right Wing News Guide to the World
Other nations are a mystery to many Americans. Hell, most Americans are lucky if they know how many states there are or where Idaho is. So we here at Brass Knuckles Webzine have decided to put together a short article some of the world’s other nations and how they relate to the greatest nation of all (The U.S.A of course.)
Australia:: Mostly known as a nation of criminals, Australians tend to be untrustworthy yet shifty. Any tourist who turns his back on a group of Australians is looking for a boomerang to the back of the skull.
Canada:: A nation of never do wells who spend most of their time getting drunk and watching hockey while trying to figure out a way to claim credit for things Americans have done.
China:: Supposedly America’s most dangerous adversary because they have a billion people. As long as we have at least a billion bullets and don’t put any of our unarmed college students in front of their tanks I don’t see a problem.
Columbia:: When the natives of Columbia aren’t passed out in the street from chewing too many coca leaves they spend their days bribing each other to pretend not to notice the tons and tons of cocaine that flows out of their country to the rest of the world. Colombians also take great pride in being named the “Nation most likely to be napalmed by the US.”
Cuba:: Described by it’s leader Fidel Castro and by many of it’s citizens as being a “Communist Paradise.” Want to know what a “Communist Paradise” loosely translated into English is? Well, think of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina the day after hurricane Hugo or the area in Los Angeles that was burned down in the riots. That’ll give you a pretty good idea of what a “Communist Paradise” looks like.
England:: Approximately 250 years ago they ruled a vast empire. Then they made the fatal mistake of screwing with America. Now we have golf courses bigger than their entire country. Coincidence? I think not.
France:: An arrogant country that has no reason to be so snotty. They’re always terrified that American ideas and attitudes will somehow infect their precious culture like a venereal disease. Unfortunately, their only cultural achievements are the beret and bidot and oh yeah don’t forget the Eiffel Tower. A crappy, unfinished tower that’s falling over. Yee freakin’ ha that must be something to see.
Germany:: Germans are a peculiar people who spend most of their time scaring children and small animals with their harsh guttural language (Ack en der hockek!!!) and trying to snow the rest of the world into believing they aren’t still a big bunch of Nazis. Don’t try it Germany, we’re onto you!!
India:: Indians spend their days reading the Kama Sutra and their nights making more Indians. In between their constant boinking they spend their time threatening their fellow 9th world country Pakistan over who’s women do the “twisted snake enters the yawning cavern” position better.
Iran:: A nation that hasn’t advanced culturally since the dark ages. However they do chop off your hand if you steal things which is very cool.
Iraq:: Iraqis are country full of serfs who live under the thumb of maniacal dictator Saddam Hussein. The day of the average Iraqi is mostly spent planning the least embarrassing ways to surrender to photographers, camel herders, small children with water guns, or anyone else who they might run across in another major war.
Italy:: Once Rome was the center of the civilized world and everyone looked towards Rome as a shining example of the best humanity had to offer. Now Italy is mainly known for exporting spaghetti, pizza, organized crime and the pope.
Japan:: A country that delights in calling Americans lazy, indolent, incompetent, immoral, and inferior. Funny…they didn’t seem to be saying that almost 60 years ago WHEN WE WERE KICKING THEIR SORRY @SSES ALL OVER THE PACIFIC after they made the mistake of screwing with us.
Mexico:: The funniest thing I ever heard about Mexico was uttered by Ross Perot during his debate with Al Gore back in the 1992 elections. He said something like “Larry, do you know what the dream of the average Mexican is? Do you Larry? It’s to own an outhouse Larry. That’s what it is.” Enough said.
Palestine:: A nation of shiftless wanderers and terrorists who’ve literally been wandering around the Middle East for hundreds of years being welcomed into each country they’ve strayed like a pack of rabid dogs. Now their adults spend their days hiding while encouraging their teenage boys to toss rocks at trigger happy Israeli soldiers.
Panama:: Notable only for former dictator Manuel “Pineapple Face” Noriega and for being the world’s largest mosquito breeding ground.
Russia:: Russians are a strange group of people who’s hobbies include drinking potato vodka until they pass out, standing in line for toilet paper, and hoarding the potatoes they don’t make into vodka so they won’t starve during the winter.
Scotland:: Scottish men are known mainly for eating sheep intestines (haggis), playing the bagpipes, getting smacked around by England, and wearing skirts that make them look like Japanese schoolgirls.
Somalia:: A country full of sociopaths who enjoy shooting each other over sandals, bowls of rice, and or who has the prettiest eyes. Almost everyone in Somalia is starving to death not because there isn’t any food but because the Somalian gov’t is trying to starve out some of the more “unsavory” elements in the country. Although this is quite inhumane, most of the world would mourn the entire country of Somalia’s passing with the same universal sense of sadness that most people would feel at the passing of a wounded badger that had taken up residence in their garage.
South Africa:: A nation that used to be run by white people who hated and envied the US. Now it’s a nation run by black people who envy and hate the US.
Sweden:: Everyone knows the Swedes are descended from Vikings. Vikings were a group of lazy pirates who were often able to overpower small farming villages as long as they caught them by surprise and outnumbered them at least 10 to 1. These days the Swedes have turned to more productive undertakings like making cheese, clocks, watches, laundering drug money and Nazi cash from WW2, and being confused with the Swiss who are also blond haired and similarly unremarkable.
Turkey:: The homeland of my last roommate. If he’s any indication, Turks spend their days running up debts they can’t pay, cooking greasy chicken directly on the oven rack, and turning the heat in their apartments up to 95 degrees and promptly falling asleep. I don’t think anyone in the world would hold it against a nation that “accidentally” launched (hint, hint) several nukes and cleared out all of Turkey’s major population centers.
I hope you enjoyed our little article. Just remember, people that are different from you are bad and you’ll be ok =D