The Translation Guide For Tech Support

I spent 8 hours a day for over a year helping people connect to the internet. During that time I became the “Yoda” of my shift. Merely by using the “tech support force” I was able to help clueless people connect to the internet in record time. How did I do it? I was able to immediately figure out the real meaning behind their yammerings. Now you too can benefit from my wisdom. Read and learn how to translate what customers who call into tech support really mean….

Can you get in trouble for surfing on certain websites?:: I was on the FBI site a year ago when I got an “illegal operation.” I immediately turned off my computer and boxed it up. Now I’m wondering if it’s safe to surf again?

Ok, I think I can handle this, no problem:: I am hopelessly confused and will call back in about two hours rather than admit it.

I just deleted all the .dll files on my computer to save space and now my computer isn’t working. What do I do?:: No matter what you say, I’m going to call your supervisor back in half an hour and claim that I destroyed my computer by following your instructions. That way I can demand that your company has to pay for the repairs.

I am paying attention to what you’re saying!:: I’m watching TV and randomly clicking on whatever catches my eye instead of paying attention to you.

My son set this whole “computer thing” up for me:: I’m very, very, old and far too senile and hopelessly incompetent to follow simple instructions.

But my son told me this was what I was supposed to do and he’s a computer expert!:: My son aimlessly piddles around on his computer once in a while so I think he’s an expert. He pretends to know what he’s doing on the computer in a vain attempt to win my love.

I’ve been working with computers for 20 years and I know the problem is your ISP and not my computer!:: Because I worked with DOS a decade ago at work that means I feel that I know more about computers than you despite the fact that I’m calling YOU to ask for help.

My computer keeps giving me a ‘no dial tone error’:: I am so clueless about the internet that I don’t even realize that I need to plug my computer into the wall.

I just formatted my computer and now nothing is working. Why is that?:: If you’re wise you will put me on hold and “accidentally” hang up on me.

My ‘Microwave Windows’ won’t work! I think the internet is broken!:: I am a black hole of knowledge. Abandon all hope ye who talk to me!

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