Written By : John Hawkins

Tea Partier: Alert the captain! There’s a huge iceberg up ahead and we’re headed straight for it! If we don’t turn the ship aside now, we’re doomed!

Liberal: Well, that’s not a very popular message. I mean, turning the ship aside would require interrupting the shuffleboard tournament.

Tea Partier: The whole ship is going to be shuffling off to the bottom of the ocean if we don’t change course!

Liberal: You’re probably just saying that because the captain’s black.

Tea Partier: What? That’s crazy!

Liberal: That’s exactly what a racist would say in this situation.

Tea Partier: What does not wanting to hit an iceberg have to do with hating our captain because he’s black?

Liberal: For someone who doesn’t hate black people, you sure do talk about racism and the captain being black a lot….

Tea Partier: But, I was just defending myself from you….look, nevermind. Do you know what that iceberg will do to this ship? It will sink us to the bottom of the ocean! We’ve got to steer around it.

Liberal: Sink us? That’s so overblown. I mean, conceivably it could sink us, but it would probably just scratch the paint.

Tea Partier: Hitting an iceberg? Scratch the paint? Do you know that…okay, forget that, you admitted it could conceivably sink us. So, you agree we need to do something about it now?

Liberal: I don’t know. People have really been looking forward to that shuffleboard tournament.

Tea Partier: Are you crazy? What happens if the iceberg sinks us?

Liberal: It would all work out. Somebody would take care of it.

Tea Partier: Who? Who would take care of it?

Liberal: Somebody or another.

Tea Partier: We’re in the middle of the ocean. There’s no one around to help us. Even if there were another ship nearby, we’re so big that other ships couldn’t handle rescuing us.

Liberal: It would have been nice if you’d mentioned this before. You know, back when the ship had a white captain.

Tea Partier: I did! I pointed it out over and over again and when no one would listen, I got louder about it. Then, when we got closer to the iceberg and speeded up instead of slowing down, I started really trying to get people to do something.

Liberal: Oh, yes, how convenient. Right when we got a black captain, you conveniently got upset about it. You worried this big old ship will hurt your WHITE iceberg?

Tea Partier: Are you out of your mind? That iceberg is going to tear this ship in half.

Liberal: I’m not very comfortable with the violent language you’re using. “Tear this ship in half” — I mean, what if somebody overheard you and that language got their primitive psycho brains all excited?

Tea Partier: Let me repeat this very slowly so that you’ll understand. We’re. Headed. For. An. Iceberg. If. We. Hit. It. We’ll. Sink. We’ve. Got. To. Change. Course.

Liberal: Okay, okay, let’s call the other passengers over. (Yells) Everybody come on over here. We’ve got a bit of a situation.

Crowd of Passengers: We’re here. What’s the problem?

Liberal: This guy I’m talking to here? Yes, him. He hates black people, he hates shuffleboard, and he’s trying to incite violence, all for no reason whatsoever.

Crowd of Passengers: That’s terrible!

Tea Partier: Wait a second — none of that’s true. Folks, we’re headed towards an iceberg! The ship is going to sink. We’ve got to change direction right now if we don’t want to hit it. Even he admits that we’re in trouble!

Crowd of Passengers: An iceberg? On no! Maybe we better do something!

Liberal: Hey, everybody, there’s nothing to worry about and we don’t want to miss the shuffleboard tournament, do we? If there was something to be alarmed about, surely I wouldn’t be acting as if it were no big deal, would I? Tell you what, drinks are on me at the bar! Let’s go have the night of our lives! (Everyone except the Tea Partier goes to the bar. He heads to a rowboat)

(2 hours later, the liberal and the Tea Partier are sitting on a rowboat)

Liberal: Wow, I can’t believe that iceberg sunk the ship! If only someone could have seen it coming…

Tea Partier: I SAW it coming. I tried to warn you.

Liberal: Yes, yes, we all agreed that icebergs could be a danger. But, everyone wanted to play shuffleboard instead of dealing with it.

Tea Partier: No, YOU wanted to play shuffleboard! I wanted to change course!

Liberal: Come on, change course? That was completely impractical.

Tea Partier: No, it wasn’t impractical. We could have done it. If you’d listened, the ship would be fine!

Liberal: Wow, in a situation like this, you’re looking for someone to blame? That’s terrible. How about we set aside politics, stop pointing fingers, and start figuring out how to deal with this disaster?

Tea Partier: Well, I guess we could…

Liberal: Besides, it’s obvious the corporations are responsible for this. They build a boat, they cut corners to make more obscene profits, and who gets screwed? The little guys! We need more regulations to prevent this sort of thing and obviously we have to sue.

Tea Partier: Sigh…while you’re planning that out, let’s go pick up those women on that wreckage over there.

Liberal: That’s not something we should do personally, is it? I mean, that’s really more of a job for the crew, isn’t it?

Tea Partier: Well, since you dressed like a woman to make it on this lifeboat, it seems fair that we should actually pick up some real women in distress, doesn’t it?

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