Written By : John Hawkins

7) The Fan Boys.

I have no idea why some guys think they can show up on Facebook, find some attractive woman they’ve never met, talk about how pretty she is in every photo, compliment her excessively, and somehow turn that into a relationship. Does this work for anyone, ever? You never hear any woman say, “Oh, I met my boyfriend on Facebook! He just showed up every day, kissed my ass relentlessly, and then of course, it all ended in hot monkey sex!” What you do hear, however, are attractive women privately referring to people like that as “creepers,” as in, “That creeper creeps me out!”

6) I Just Tweeted To Say I Hate You.

It’s no shocker that people don’t see eye to eye, but it’s hard to understand why they would follow someone on Twitter who they vehemently disagree with on every issue just so they can show up over and over again to note their disagreement until they’re blocked. They’re like a cuckoo clock that pops out every hour to scream, “I just had to let you know you’re so wrong!” What in the world is that supposed to accomplish other than briefly annoying another human being?

5) Hey, Stranger, Can You Buy A Plane Ticket To Get To My Meeting?

If you’re having a Tea Party in Pig Lick, Arkansas, or you’re going to be in a play in Snooty Junction, Illinois, and you want to invite your Facebook friends, that’s fine. But how about taking 5 minutes to group all of your local friends into one list so you’re not needlessly bothering people you barely know who live 1500 miles away?

4) The G+ Smug Crowd.

Was there really a huge group of people out there saying, “Wow, we already have Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Myspace, but what we need is ANOTHER social network” before G+ hit the scene? Of course not. Honestly, I was hoping G+ would fail miserably, not just because Google is already an obnoxious monopoly that spies on you in your virtual underwear to get more info to sell, but because I didn’t want to spend time on yet ANOTHER social network.

And what’s so great about G+ anyway? Hangouts that almost no one uses? Freaking circles? Facebook has that feature, too, and no one seems to touch it. Yet from the moment G+ beta went live, my stream has been deluged with cartoons and comments about how much better we are than the poor schmucks who are still just on Facebook. Seriously? C’mon, G+ is just a classier version of Myspace; so get over yourselves!

3) I AM TALKING IN ALL CAPS!

ARE YOU PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO THIS BECAUSE IT’S IN ALL CAPS OR THINKING, “THIS IS REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING!”? I’M GUESSING THE LATTER BECAUSE TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS LIKE SHOUTING. STOP SHOUTING AT ALL OF US, JERKFACE!

2) Click “Like” On My Mental Breakdown:

This is where I earn the heartless Larry David moniker for saying something most other people think, but don’t want to say. Oh well. Let’s just get it out there.

It’s really strange to see people sharing their most intimate feelings on a social network with people they don’t “know” in any meaningful sense.

This is not just because social networks are famously overrun with nasty tempered trolls — poor creatures whose sole purpose in life is to try and fill the emptiness in their souls by mocking other human beings’ pain — but because it’s just inappropriate. It’s bizarre to tell hundreds of people whose only interactions with you have been giving you a thumbs up when you say “I love the troops” that you’re feeling soul-crushing depression or having a mental breakdown. Granted, when you’re not close to a lot of people and you’re feeling awful the thought process may be “any port in a storm.” If you’re in that situation and want to deal with it online, how about hitting up a counselor on LivePerson who can give you some REAL help or alternately even talking to some people who at least know you a little bit privately so you may be able to deepen your relationship by letting them give you a shoulder to cry on?

1) Facebook “Groupers”:

Hello, this is Facebook writing to alert you that you’ve been added to a group, “Stupid Group You’d Have Never Joined For Any Reason.” You were added by your Facebook friend, “person that you don’t even recognize.” You may also notice that you have 56 notifications. That’s because he not only put you in this group without asking; he made sure you were alerted every time someone said something on the page like, “How did I get in this group?” or “Who put me in this group?” or “Why am I in this stupid group?” Yes, we at Facebook don’t think this is obnoxious behavior. So we don’t even give you a setting to prevent people from adding you to groups without your permission. Ehr..what? Would leaving the group and unfriending the person work? Well, yes, but…that seems like an extreme step and…oh, you did it. Too bad. He was just creating another group, “Click Like If You Hate Stupid Facebook Groups,” that you could have gotten in on.

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