Reprinted with my own permission from IMAO.us.

Tomorrow is our country's anniversary, so I thought I'd go over America's history since it's the most awesome country ever.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Pilgrims sailed to the continent of North America looking for new land where they could be free. There, they met Indians who said, "We're done with this land; you can have it now. Here's some corn." Everyone was happy, but then the British (who were evil back then), put big taxes on stamps. Americans, bred by the magic of the land to not put up with crap, responded by throwing all the tea and crumpets in the harbor. The British then sent Jack the Ripper after the Americans and he massacred people in Boston. Fed up, the Americans wrote the Declaration of Independence, which was pretty much just six pages of swear words directed at the king of England. This meant war, and there was much kung fu fighting. Eventually America dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki, forcing the British to surrender. Then, to prove America is the most awesome country ever, they put a man on the moon. The end.