WASHINGTON (AP) - During a day-long session on Capitol Hill, General David Petraeus fielded questions from Democrat lawmakers ranging from the insipidly puerile to the monumentally retarded as he explained why it would be necessary to retain current troop levels in Iraq.

"Why should we put all this effort into Iraq," asked Missouri Democrat Ike Skelton, "when doing so prevents the U.S. from effectively preparing for other conflicts and puts at risk the United States' ability to defeat those most likely to attack?"

Gen. Petraeus told Skelton that Iraqis were ACTUALLY being attacked and were thus deemed a higher priority than any hypothetical likely attacks made up by sniveling liberal defeatists as a cute way of attempting to score political points. "Besides," added the General, "the only way America's ability to defeat an enemy could actually be put at risk would be if God himself whimsically chose to tweak the laws of physics so as to make nuclear fission impossible."

Mugging for the cameras, Senator and leading presidential candidate Barack Obama suggested what he called 'a practical exit strategy'. "When I was in high school - back when they still called me Barry and I looked even more like Urkel than I do now - people used to tape 'kick me' signs on my back. This proved to be a very effective method of getting people to kick me. So why don't we just put 'don't shoot me' signs on the backs of our troops and run away?"

Petraeus pointed out the obvious flaw in Obama's theory, noting that the 'don't ask me stupid questions' sign Petraeus had worn to the hearings had been a 'dismal failure'. However, he DID encourage Obama to wear 'kick me' signs at every opportunity in the future.

"All your strategies are interesting," said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.), "but they all seem to result in an American victory. We want America to lose. Do you have any strategies that will make America lose?"

Gen. Petraeus assured the Senator from Massachusetts that, although he didn't currently have such a strategy, he would definitely be thinking about how America could lose the war when he voted on November 4th.

This satire was used with the permission of IMAO.