Moms love to send their tykes out to play soccer because it's so harmless. The kids run around on the grass kicking at a ball until they run out of gas without any danger of getting beaned with a baseball or bruising their knees on a basketball court. But not even soccer is safe enough for the Nanny Nazis running Airstrip One, because it leaves children at the mercy of the "pressure of winning." Consequently, competitive leagues have been banned:

Under-eight teams will be stopped from taking part in knockout tournaments where cups and medals can be won, and no results will be publicised for any matches.

Junior teams across Britain will have to adopt the new policy from the start of the 2008/9 season in September.

It means that managers will no longer be able to publish the under-eight league results, tables and cup competition score lines in the local paper, or pin them up on notice boards in the clubhouse.

One day these kids will grow up to apply liberal politics to sports, so that if one team scores three goals and the other scores one, the points are redistributed for a final score of 2-2. Interest in sports will curl up and die, and competitiveness will be behind us at last. People will get less exercise, but the State stands ready to keep everyone in shape with ever more stringent dietary restrictions.

On tips from mega and Panday. Cross-posted at Moonbattery.