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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
Forget the 'War on Terrorism'. It's not worth fighting. What we need is a war on Isolated Incidents. They, after all, are the real killer of Americans since September 11th. Think I'm nuts? I offer you this: there have been no incidents of terrorism since 9-11, but there has been a strange and disturbing proliferation of isolated incidents. Consider the following....
An Arab Muslim man tells his family to flee the country, loads up a little arsenal and goes on a one-way trip to the El Al counter at LAX to shoot Jews on the Fourth of July. Now, at first, I too thought this might be one of those so-called "attacks", but I later learned from the LAPD, the FBI, the media, and the White House that this was, in fact, an "isolated incident". Apparently, the man in question just forgot to go on vacation with his wife and kids, as we all have at one time or another. Then, realizing his family faux pas, he immediately fled the gun and knife show he was attending and ran to the airport to join the family in time for the annual camel-ride photograph in front of the pyramids. He was, of course, drawn to the El Al counter by the Israeli airline's long-standing reputation of warmth and courtesy towards rushing Arabs without photo ID, but tragically, upon arriving at the head of the line he realized he had forgotten to leave in the "declare your weapons" bin outside the airport the two large handguns, hunting knife, and extra ammo he had put in his shirt pocket. Being a good permanent resident, soon-to-be-citizen, he immediately pulled out his guns and knife to proudly show the El Al ticket agent "Hey, look what I forgot!!!", but because the NRA fought against trigger locks, both the gun and the knife accidentally discharged at that point. This should have been obvious, but the dangerously armed El Al security guard was so blinded by racial profiling that he immediately opened fire on the poor man, possibly after he was already handcuffed by the Inglewood police. An obvious case of isolated incident.
This scenario seemed very plausible to me and I was very relieved to know that the FBI was pursuing a hate crime investigation (against the El Al security guard, I think), but then I thought: "isolated incident" -where have I heard that phrase before? So in an act of investigative reporting worthy of a New York Times expose on George W. Bush, I typed "isolated incident terrorist" into google.com and discovered the following scary isolated incidents:
1) In September, the death from anthrax of a reporter in Florida was an "isolated incident", according to both the FBI and an open letter from Congress to "the media" (the letter is still on the FBI website today!). Later, some other people all died from anthrax in some other incidents, possibly isolated. The isolated "incidentist" that sent the anthrax included a "Death to America" letter claiming it was a so-called "attack", but the FBI saw right through that. Although later, the FBI thought that maybe the anthrax smelled like white people and so it might actually be terrorism, but now they are not sure again. So they have isolated the incident for analysis.
2) In May, a redheaded muesli convert named Patrick Gott walked into the New Orleans's airport with a shotgun and a copy of the Koran/Quran/Qur'aan and began shooting people he believed were laughing at his turban. Again, one might think this was a terrorist attacking people, but again, the NOPD and the FBI knew better, it was an "isolated incident". No word on if the turban laughers were ever prosecuted for a hate crime.
3) Daniel Pearl, a reporter for the Wall Street Journal, was kidnapped in Pakistan and murdered for being an American and a Jew (both considered culturally insensitive to Muslims). The men accused of the kidnapping include convicted terrorists who, it seems, according to Pakistan's government, ABC news, and others, cleverly participated in an "isolated incident", possibly to throw us off the trail of real terrorism.
4) Richard Reid, part of Britain's wonderful new found diversity, attempted to blow up an airplane with his maximum strength "infidel-eater" insoles. Now, Bomb Homme Richard had trained with terrorists and had written an email to his infidel mommy, explaining his motivation was to kill a lot of infidels as part of a war against infidels. But the FBI quickly determined that since there was only one of Richard Reid, the incident was isolated and therefore best classed as an "isolated incident".
5), 6), and 7) some Frenchmen were blown up, a greyhound bus was attacked, and a church full of Pakistani Christians were machine-gunned all in "isolated incidents". The producers of "Columbine, Two Years Later -A Quest for Answers" gladly accept that in all the above isolated incidents "sometimes people do wacky things".
8) and others) Etc.
So this led me to ask, was Oklahoma City a heretofore-unknown "Isolated incident"? No, apparently not. It was "domestic terrorism". So how about the 1996 Olympics bombing (in which the main suspect, Eric Robert Rudolph, is believed to be hiding in the rugged and mountainous "Tribal Region" of North Carolina)? Nope, "domestic terrorism". Abortionist murdered? "Domestic terrorism". Abortion clinic fire? "Domestic terrorism". Crank phone call to "Babies 'R Us-eless" Abortion Clinic? "Domestic terrorism". "And a hate crime".
So, for the confused, here is my quick-reference guide "Terrorism or Isolated Incident?"
1) Peace-loving Muslim perpetrator? -isolated incident.
2) Makes government look ineffectual? -isolated incident.
3) Makes "whacko right-wingers who listen to Rush Limbaugh and drive trucks" look dangerous? -terrorism.
Now this guide would seem to have the flaw that we all know that September 11th was terrorism and yet it does not fit the above quick reference guide. But, oh, I have three possible outs there. They are
A) September 11th somehow tied to Enron.
Two) The plane over Pennsylvania, the Pentagon, and each of the two Trade Towers were all hit in four "isolated co-incidents"
3) A new rule: "Osama equals terrorism, even if no unpopular-with-liberal types are involved. Wait for Osama tape to see if terrorism".
Of course, I guess it all depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is, since we want to know if an incident "is" terrorism or "is" not. I may need to do some research at the Clinton Library and get back to you. But the important thing "is" (if I may) that terrorism has been parsed out of existence and that we therefore do not need to:
-confront our Arab "allies"
-examine the jihad being waged against the West from within
-secure our borders against illegal immigrants (formerly known as criminal aliens, soon to be known as "mi amigos de amnestitos" by a fantasizing George W. Bush)
-offend the ACLU further
-build a missile defense system
-drill for our own oil in Alaska, or California, or Florida
-arm airline pilots (look how sad arming El Al guards turned out)
-restrict the flow of uninspected cheap goods into the country
-question the merit of the State Department "Diversity Lottery" as a means of picking who gets to come to America (legally, I mean)
-or admit that organized groups like Al Qaeda exist only because of the paranoia, ignorance, and open call-to-arms-against-everything that the "tolerance-loving" Western media leaves unaddressed and unexposed amongst Muslims everywhere. This blanket call to arms being the same force that motivates all the above-mentioned "isolated incidents".
And not having to deal with all that is truly what's important.
One day, New York is going to be incinerated in an isolated incident of very large scale. You should thank God that it will be only the act of a few deranged individuals and not an act of terrorism. The last act of terrorism was committed on September 11th.
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