All Prisoners Released from Jails in U.S.

All Prisoners Released From Jails In U.S. By Scott Ott: (2003-01-03) — Inspired by Illinois Governor George Ryan, who commuted the death sentences of 167 death row inmates this week, governors across the nation have decided to release all prisoners from all jails.

“Ryan said there are errors in the system. If we can’t do criminal justice perfectly, we shouldn’t do it at all,” said an aide to one governor. “It’s not enough just to commute death sentences to life in prison, we need to let them all out.”

Studies have shown that state governors are significantly smarter than judges and juries. The average governor can decide a case in a few minutes without even attending the trial, although it takes a jury weeks of carefully listening to the evidence. Even then, the jury is almost always wrong.

State courts will shut down this week because, as one governor put it, “we can’t take the chance that we might get another one wrong.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can see more of his work at Scrappleface.

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