Barneycam 2008: The Alternate Script AKA The Hopey McGrinch’N’Change Who Stole Christmas

The final “Barneycam” video is out and unfortunately, I have to say it’s not one of the better ones.

Sure, they have lots of cameos from Olympic athletes, but where’s the Barney in the Barneycam video? Personally, I wanted to see more of Barney running around the White House and playing with toys. So, with that in mind, let me suggest an alternate script, one that I think would be much more appropriate.

Barneycam 2008: The Hopey McGrinch’N’Change Who Stole Christmas.

(The video starts with Barney, Laura, George Bush, and the twins all sitting around a fireplace in the White House).

Laura: Barney, it’s up to you to decorate the White House for Christmas this year!

Jenna and Barbara at the same time: But, look out, Barney! The White House is crawling with Democrats!

George: (Seems to be choking)

Laura: (Walks over and slaps him on the back. A pretzel pops out of his mouth) George, what have I told you about eating pretzels?

George: I know, honey, but Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi sent ’em to me and I wanted to keep the “new tone” going all the way until I was out of the White House!

Laura: Oh, George! (Laughs) Better get cracking, Barney, the White House isn’t going decorate itself!

(Barney runs out of the room and down the hallway.)

Giggling stoner: Dude, am I imagining that little black dog or is it just all the acid we were taking in the Lincoln bedroom?

Giggling stoner #2: It’s not real, man! Watch what happens when I throw this bust of George Washington at it!

(Barney dodges and runs down the hallway into another room. He looks quizzically up at the three people standing in the hallway.)

Rahm Emanuel: Let me tell you something, if I go down for this, I’m taking Obama down with me!

Joe Biden: Look, Rahm, I understand where you’re coming from. Once, during the war between France and Ecuador, I was talking to…

Rahm Emanuel (Whispers): The war between France and Ecuador?

Bill Richardson (Whispers back): He does that sometimes. Just let him talk.

Joe Biden: …So then I say to the farmer, that’s the shiftiest looking squirrel I’ve ever seen and I have seen some slanty eyed squirrels in my time!

(Barney takes off flying down the hall. He comes to a group of twenty-something staffers)

Male staffer #1: Wait a second, that’s Barney the dog! It’s BushHitler’s best friend!

Male staffer #2: My God, you’re right! He’s a little doggie Eichmann!

Female staffer: Let’s take the little war criminal to the pound!

(Barney runs down the hall as fast as he can with the staffers in hot pursuit. After a couple of dodges and turns, he runs into Barack Obama.)

Obama: Hey, little fella. What’s a matter, buddy?

(Barney looks up at him and whines)

Obama: What’s that, boy? You’re being chased by my staffers?

(Barney whines some more)

Obama: They think you’re a war criminal and want to put you in the pound? But, but — that would ruin Christmas! Ok, you run and I’ll steer them away from you.

(Barney flies around the corner just as the staffers show up)

Staffers: President Obama, President Obama — did you see a dog run down the hall? We believe he may be a war criminal and we need to make a citizen’s arrest!

Obama: I sure did! He went that way! (Obama points towards the hallway Barney ran down)

Staffers: Thanks, Mr. Obama!

(The camera pans back to Obama) I couldn’t help throwing him under the bus. It’s what I do (He shrugs).

(The camera cuts back to Barney who runs into a room and hides. The staffers come in right behind him)

Male staffer #1: Don’t worry, doggie, we’ll make sure you get a fair trial at the Hague!

Female staffer: Barney lied, cats died!

Male staffer #2: C’mere, Rin Tin Hitler! We know you’re hiding in here somewhere! Wait…there he is!

(Barney is trapped, he backs into the corner…Suddenly, out of the shadows steps Dick Cheney, holding a shotgun, which he unloads at point blank range into the faces of the staffers, who fall to the ground, writhing in pain)

Cheney: Ah, it’s only birdshot, you pansies. Next time, don’t get in the way of my shot when I’m firing at a fox…oh wait, that’s you, isn’t it, Barney? Let’s go decorate the White House!

(Barney jumps into his arms and they head off towards a Christmas tree and piles of decorations in another room).

(Cut to a scene of George Bush reading to children)

Bush: …And that’s how Dick Cheney and Barney saved Christmas from Hopey McGrinch’N’Change!

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