Chirac Explodes The Myth By Traps

French President Jacques Chirac says that France would have won both world wars without any British or American assistence. “If anything the Allies were more trouble than they were worth. Germany’s invasion of France was nothing more or less than a French plan to encourage tourism during a slow period”.

Asked about the Germans raping women, looting, shooting defenceless citizens getting drunk and being sick everywhere, Chirac said that the journalist had obviously not visited Paris during an England away game.

Chirac went on to say that he was sick and tired of hearing that the French had abandoned their posts and run away : “It was nothing like that. The Germans will confirm that it was a skilfully worked stampede with crying, begging and screaming thrown in to give it a touch of realism, but nothing more than that.”

What about wholesale collaboration? “As I have said before it was not collaboration, it was tourism at it’s finest. The Germans were so impressed they stayed for four years.”

What about DDay then? “Yes, well we’re still annoyed about that. Just as the Germans were readying themselves for a long term stay what happens? You guessed it those pesky kids and the hooligans come storming the beaches. Do you think we have been able to entice one German onto the beach in the last 60 years? Not a chance?”

But if the Allies did not liberate France how would you have got rid of the Nazis? “One man’s Nazi is another man’s tourist. We were fully occupied, a country’s dream”.

Frenchmen did join with the Allies however. “Indeed there are those many many Frenchmen who felt duty bound to rid France of the Germans. All 4 of them joined the Allies.”

Do you think France avoided Iraq because the French are lovers and not fighters. “What nonsense Frenchmen are worriers to a man. There’s not a man in uniform who doesn’t have a hiatus hernia or ulcer. Indeed no greater sacrifice can be expected of any man.”

Mr President what if France leads the EU army? “If attacked we would simply turn Europe into one massive tourist trap.”

If you enjoyed this column by Traps, you can read more of his work at The Spoof.

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