Diplomatic Crisis Escalates Between France and U.S. Rumsfeld Brands Chirac a “Trick-*ss B*tch”

Diplomatic Crisis Escalates Between France and U.S. as Rumsfeld Brands Chirac a “Trick-*ss B*tch” By Ryan Clancy: As the Iraq crisis continues to widen the rift between the U.S. and the French, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has taken the diplomatic barbs to a new level by characterizing French President Jacques Chirac as a “trick-*ss b*tch.” The statement, made at Rumsfeld’s daily press briefing was just the latest sign of rapidly deteriorating Franco-American relations. Rumsfeld, who just two weeks ago created a stir by characterizing Germany and France as “Old Europe” pulled no punches in expressing his distaste for Chirac. When asked what he thought of Chirac’s recent statement that certain Eastern European countries would be well-served in keeping their support for the U.S. quiet, Rumsfeld retorted “Listen, Chirac is just a whiny, trick-*ss b*tch, just like Napoleon and De Gaulle. Always talkin’ smack and then getting’ they *ss kicked at Waterloo or lettin’ Hitler run up on ’em. I talked to all my homies in Eastern Europe and they be like ‘Yo, former states of the USSR don’t play that.’ And than I be like, word, D-Rums bout to set the record straight.”

The unprecedented outburst left the Washington Press Corps gaping in awe at the steely-eyed 70 year-old, who despite being an elderly white man fond of the Glen Miller Orchestra, had resorted to Tupacian terroristic gangsta threats to express his displeasure. Sensing that he may have overstepped his bounds, the veteran Secretary quickly adopted a more conciliatory tone, “Look, even though the French always getting’ whooped on in international conflicts, and the Germans are led by that anti-war Kaiser Soze b*tch, the U.S. don’t want to East-West playa hate. We just want to smoke Saddam. That ain’t asking so much, just a couple hundred cruise missiles and booyaka; Democratic Iraq in the hizzouse and mad cheap oil for all the homies drivin’ Escalades wit’ phat dubs.” Neither France nor Germany has officially responded to Rumsfeld’s inflammatory comments but public reaction has been expectedly hostile. In eastern Germany, protesters are threatening to reconstruct the Berlin Wall in a ploy to convince the U.S. that it is reverting to Communism, and a French souvenir company has decided to cease exports of miniature Eiffel towers to the U.S. Despite these radical measures, Rumsfeld says that he stands by his comments, “One way or another, the U.S. is bout to cap Saddam and if the French and Germans don’t want to come along, that’s cool, ’cause Latvia and Bulgaria got our back.”

If you liked this satire by Ryan Clancy, you can see more of his work at Broken Newz.

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