Frank Advice for the State of the Union Address By Frank J
Frank Advice for the State of the Union Address By Frank J: Bush has been working on his first draft of his State of the Union address, and, since there is still about a week before he delivers it, I thought I’d give him my advice.
First thing’s first, remember, it’s not the content so much as the attitude. Don’t have that wussy “Hail to the Chief” song playing when you enter, instead have the “Imperial March.” Come in all stern-faced, and, to further show everyone you’re a bad*ss, head butt the first person who tries to shake your hand. Think of what evil dictators will say when they see that. “Holy crap! He broke that guy’s nose for just trying to shake his hand. Think of what he’ll do to me, an evil dictator!”
Start off with a great applause line, such as raising your fist in the air and shouting, “Our enemies must suffer!”
But remember, it’s not enough that our enemies get blown apart into their component particles, but, at the same time we are bombing the crap out of them, they have to see us all eating caviar and cruising around in fancy cars. That’s why you should propose a huge tax cut to improve our economy.
“We should have a tax cut of epic proportions,” you should say, “And most should go to the best Americans – the rich. Some may say this is unfair.” You should then pause dramatically. “They will die!”
Democrats may not applaud everything that is said. Whenever they don’t seem to agree with a new proposed policy, point at them and scream, “Traitors!” This will make them uncomfortable with not applauding. One may voice protest at being labeled a traitor; if that happens, shout, “Rarrrr!” and charge at him while the VP and Speaker of the House try and hold you back. The Democrats should be pretty scared by then, and will probably clap politely at whatever you say.
Don’t let them off the hook, though. Single out those who are against war in Iraq. “There are some who sympathize with our enemies,” you should say angrily, “But mercy is for the weak! It is the same as being our enemies’ allies. Hang your gigantic head in shame, Ted Kennedy – if your neck is strong enough to support such a feat without snapping in twain.” (he’ll probably respond with “What neck?”, but it’s still a great line).
As for a finale, declarations of war will be great. Declare war on Iraq as people will expect, but also declare war on North Korea. Then pick a few other countries as a surprise (just throw darts at a map of the world; if you hit the U.S., try again).
Now say, “Some of our ‘allies’ will not support our plans of war, but I have one thing to say to them…” For this part, raise both fists in the air and scream as loud as possible, “DEATH!!!!” (you may need a voice coach to hit this just right)
This should be a huge applause line, even though it’s not the most coherent thing ever said. If the Democrats don’t give you a standing ovation, pull out a gun and shoot at their feet.
Finally, have fireworks go off indoors while you laugh insanely. Then, when the smoke fades, you should have mysteriously disappeared. If you do this right, all our enemies will be scared out of their wits, and the European leaders should wet their pants. Then they won’t mess with the U.S.!
“If you like this satire by Frank J., you can see more of his work at IMAO.