John Hawkins Tea Party Leader Steps Down After Provoking Jealous Lovers Rage

I’m not saying that John Hawkins is the leader of the Tea Party movement because I write for his blog and I’m trying to score brownie points. I’m not saying that John Hawkins is the leader of the Tea Party movement because he says so and because he says so it makes it so. I’m saying that John Hawkins is the leader of the Tea Party movement because of this:

“In my book, there is no “leader” or “spokesman” for the Tea Party movement. It’s a pack, not a herd.”

Not parsing here, but he said, “leader”…”for the Tea Party movement” and that’s good enough for me.

So, why don’t the Democrats feed the legacy media’s darling, Keith Olbermann the real story..the story that hasn’t been told? Well, of course, it’s because Janeane Garofalo is involved. See, what really happened, is that Tea Party leader John Hawkins dumped Janeane Garofalo because behind her pseudo-intellectual discussions of frontal lobes and reptilian brain parts like amygdalas, she’s actually not that bright. Tea Party leader John Hawkins was disappointed. He had heard that liberal feminists were smarter and hipper. They didn’t wear lipstick or comb their hair, or even shave their armpits much, so he figured they MUST have brains. Imagine his surprise to find out that his rabid spaz of a dog Patten, hell the feral cats living beneath his house, had more executive brain function than the dour Ms. Garofalo.

Rebounding from that coupling, Tea Party leader John Hawkins heard that Maureen Dowd wore lipstick and was still single. Since she was a legacy media leader, having won a Pulitzer for her incisive writing and fierce investigative reporting, he figured they’d be a power couple. Alas, this union was doomed. Janeane Garofalo might not be that smart but her work as a CIA operative made her cagey and more than a little immune to the moral vagaries of torture. Ms. Dowd met an unfortunate end. She was found Manolo-up with some form of microcomputer sewn into the skin of her mid-back but that’s a story for another Bourne novel.

Why Keith Olbermann refuses to report Tea Party leader John Hawkin’s sordid social past is itself a murky tale. Evidently, the news would be a boost to the true media leader, Chris Matthew’s TV show Hardball because Chris Matthews and Maureen Dowd were tied together (not literally, well, not for long anyway) by a common leg shivering malady. It’s incurable.

Never mind that Tea Party leader John Hawkins gets marginalized while guys like Dick Armey, Newt Gingrich, Erik Telford, Michael P. Leahy and Eric Odom get all the credit. Lameness.

When. Will. The. Bias. End? I ask you. Really, Keith. Get it right! Your petty professional jealousy. Your not-so-secret lust for torture-loving, lipstick-averse CIA operatives. It all reeks of a complete lack of professionalism. You have a reputation to uphold. Get your stories right.

John Hawkins, leader of the Tea Party movement, a man swirling in controversy, can’t buy press because of the horrendous bias. Still, he found it better to step down than subject Patten, the cats, and, the Tea Party movement, who follows his brave lead, any more shame. Anyone else, and this is a story. Tea Party leader John Hawkins, is too big, it seems for bad press. He, like Democratic populist mansion-living, super-rich, loving husband and lawyer John Edwards and law and order focused, corruption-fighting, straight arrow Eliot Spitzer, decided to spare the Tea Party movement, his party and his dull-witted ex-girlfriend any more shame.

You heard it here first.

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