MLB Has First Steroid-Related Execution — Satire By Laurence Simon
BALTIMORE (IFOC) – The Baltimore Orioles opened the season with a loss when batboy Carlos Rodriguez was beheaded on the pitcher’s mound before Monday’s game against the Oakland A’s.
“This made Curt Schilling’s bloody sock look like a paper cut,” said Oakland’s General Manager Billy Beane. “That skinny kid opened up like a gusher and went down like a half-full sack of potatoes.”
“Awful. Just awful,” said Baltimore’s recently-acquired outfielder and slugger Sammy Sosa. “This kind of thing never happened in Chicago, even when that fool in the stands messed with a foul ball.”
Several fans were overcome with shock and had to be taken to local hospitals. Major League Baseball’s management moved quickly to address fan concerns over the ghastly sight.
“Several players were whipped during the preseason, but the punishment increases to a beheading for the first offense once the regular season begins,” said Major League Baseball’s Commissioner Bud Selig. “Our sympathies go out to the Rodriguez family, but let’s face it – he was warned. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”
Several employees within the Orioles’ organization hinted that the 5’10” 130lb Rodriguez’s sample may have been switched with that of a player under investigation for the abuse of performance-enhancing substances.
Sosa went on the record to dismiss the rumors. “Nonsense,” he said. “I saw the kid juicing with my own eyes. I will hit a home run in his honor today. And I swear that I will hit one for any other boys that might get caught in the future. Not that it’s going to happen again.”
Satire used with the permission of Laurence Simon of The IFOC News. You can read more of his work by clicking here.