My Ten Least Favorite Movies Of All-Time

Over at Hot Air, they’re discussing the worst movies of all-time and I have to respectfully disagree with some of their choices.

Granted, I have odd taste, but I LIKED Showgirls, Waterworld, Battlefield Earth, Volcano, and Date Movie — all of which made their list. Granted, I’m not saying that any of these are my favorite movies of all-time, but I think they get a bad rap.

So, if I actually LIKE Showgirls & Battlefield Earth, that begs the question: what don’t I like? I’m glad you asked. Well, technically I asked, but I asked on your behalf, because you wanted to ask. You know, you did.

Without further ado, my 10 least favorite movies of all-time. Do keep in mind that I can’t rank movies I haven’t seen, so movies like Glitter and Gigli are safe from my all too critical eye.

10) Death Proof: A bunch of chicks gabbing endlessly about nothing in that weird Tarantino-esque style dialogue that no human being ever uses. There were also some really unrealistic action scenes that featured a stuntman convincing women to get in his car and then killing them with a car wreck, which is a plot so head scratchingly stupid that even Cobra Commander would be like, “What are you, high? That’s the stupidest way of killing people I’ve ever heard of. Why not do something more rational like spend 200 million dollars on a giant robot snake that shorts out if it rains?”

9) The Happening: It was a sci-fi/horror film that featured trees/grass as the monster. You may be thinking, so were they scary trees? Did they rip themselves out of the ground and run after people while legions of grass blades swarmed over everyone who got in their path like army ants? No, it was just trees and grass — like in your yard. Are you frightened when you walk into your own yard? Okay, now you know the entire movie was like.

8) Speed Racer: Absolutely unwatchable crap with no redeeming values whatsoever — and this is coming from a guy who used to watch and like the cartoon.

7) Superman Returns: The part where the bullet bounces off Superman’s eye was pretty cool. Everything else was sh*t.

6) Epic Movie: I’ve long been a fan of the goofy Scary movie/Date movie style of film making, but this is without a doubt, the single least funny movie I’ve ever seen. How a movie this bad could even be made boggles the mind.

5) Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation: Some people may be like, “Duh, it’s Starship Troopers 2, what did you expect?” But, I thought the original Starship Troopers was a masterpiece — I loved it. Then, the 2nd one came along and there was no budget, the acting was terrible, the plot was lame — but, at least Kelly Clarkson was in it. Oh wait, that’s Kelly Carlson. Never mind, there was nothing good about this movie.

4) Wolf Creek: This was not a horror movie. This was a movie about torturing people with a little horror thrown in. It was just terrible.

3) All Night Long 2: Atrocity: I watched this movie because it was supposed to be some sort of extremely edgy Japanese flick — and it was edgy all right. Did you see my review of Wolf Creek? Ok. This movie makes Wolf Creek look like Sesame Street. The movie is nothing but torture, rape, degradation, over-the-top violence and misery. I’m not sure if watching an actual snuff film that featured puppy mutilation as a warm up would be worse than this crap. Making this movie should have been a crime of some sort.

2) The Abyss: The idiots in the movie literally cheer fascistic aliens who came “this close” to wiping humanity off the map and then DEMAND that we get rid of our nuclear weapons or they’ll destroy us as a species. That may have been the single, worst moment in movie history in my opinion.

1) Alexander: Oliver Stone took the greatest conqueror of all time and made him into an utterly unappealing, gossipy, gay, pretty boy with mama issues who fought here and there when he wasn’t endlessly fretting about his life. Stone could have made an epic movie and instead, he turned out one of the biggest failures of all time.

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