Palestinians Caught Funneling Stones To Iraqi Insurgents By Robert Krupto
Near the Iraqi-Syrian border: The CIA, in conjunction with the Iraqi Police (IP), seized a shipment of Palestinian stones yesterday as it came over the Syrian border into Iraq. The stones, which were in barrels marked “baby milk,” were intended to be funneled to Iraqi insurgents, said a top IP commander.
Col. Lincoln Anderson, leader of the 101st Airborne which helped to intercept the stones, claimed that the seizure was a “major blow” to the Iraqi insurgents. “The Sunni Triangle is a relatively flat, stone-less place,” he explained at a press conference following the raid,” so the insurgents there had to resort to throwing blown-out tire parts, tin cans, and dead cats. None of those things could do half the damage of a well-thrown stone.”
Col. Anderson gave a detailed explanation of the seized shipment: “The majority of stones are sharp, pointy ones, which could easily put an eye out. There was also a good amount of rounded, weighty ones, which could cause severe bruising if thrown from point-blank range. Surprisingly, there was a not-insignificant number of skipping stones [small, rounded, light stones], the exact purpose of which is unknown, given that there is virtually no skipable water in Iraq. These stones fall into the ‘unknown unknowns’ that Defense Secretary Rumsfeld spoke about, and have us most worried.” When asked to speculate on the possible uses of skipping stones in war, Anderson said, “at this point, all I can say is that the Army Corps of Engineers is testing whether the stones may skip across sand, like water, and were thus intended to stealthily strike the shins of coalition soldiers.”
The stone seizure has caused a diplomatic furor. President Bush took to the airwaves and announced that, “the seizure of rocks proves beyond a doubt that there is a connection between Palestinian and Iraqi terrorists. The excellent work of American intelligence establishment and the Iraqi Police ensures that coalition soldiers will not endure put-out eyes, bruises, and possibly crippled shins. The Iraqi insurgents’ days are numbered, and their now stone-less-ness will only hasten their demise.”
Yasser Arafat, in a speech in English later that day, claimed that he had no knowledge of the shipment of stones, and was against the throwing of stones at coalition soldiers. However, later that day he gave a speech in Arabic on Palestinian television, in which most observers claim that he made a veiled reference to the shipment when he said that, “they will never take the stones that swing between our legs.”
Dominique de Villepin, the French ambassador to the United Nations, stated in a press conference that, “the French are unequivocally against the seizure of stones that fairly belong to the Iraqi people.” He added that, “stones have many other uses besides throwing. They can be used to build houses, as a decorative element in fish tanks, or to line a walkway. There is no proof that these stones were intended to be thrown.” When asked to explain the presence of skipping stones in the seized shipment, the French Ambassador said that, “it’s not impossible to skip a stone across a river, you know? Maybe they were going to skip stones across the Euphrates, okay?”
Donald Rumsfeld then released a statement that, “while it may be possible to skip stones across a river, that makes little sense compared to the fun of skipping stones across a placid lake, which produces a nice ripple effect. There are no placid lakes in Iraq. Clearly the skipping stones were intended for something other than skipping, and it is the task of the United States to determine what that intent was. Again, we will have to do this without the French.”
Kofi Annan, the Secretary General of the United Nations, agreed to hold a multinational forum on whether one could skip rocks across a river. Pending the outcome of that, he will then introduce a resolution denouncing either the “Palestinian’s attempt to arm the Iraqi insurgents or America’s possible misappropriation of Iraqi skipping rocks or decorative elements in aquaria.” The forum is expected to begin to take shape in September 2009.
It is thought that the stones will remain under coalition authority and eventually be transferred to the Iraqi Governing Council.
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