9/11 Lawsuits Blame Boeing, Airlines, Port Authority

Now that a U.S. District Judge has cleared the way for lawsuits related to the 9/11 attacks, the first such filings have begun.

“We want to demonstrate that the terrorists were just accomplices of grossly negligent American businesses,” said one unnamed attorney. “Our own business people opened the door and invited the killers to come in. We shouldn’t blame the peaceful Muslim devotees. They were victims as well. “

At the heart of most suits is the claim that Boeing, United Airlines, American Airlines and the New York City Port Authority could have stopped terrorists from crashing planes into the World Trade Center (WTC).

Here’s a quick summary of allegations being made by attorneys on behalf of their clients.

— Boeing made the planes too aerodynamic, too fast and too easy to steer.
— Boeing should have installed a tranquilizer gas system which would ‘knock out’ all passengers in the event of a hijacking attempt.
— The airlines should have used non-flammable liquid as jet fuel.
— Airport security should have conducted pre-boarding psychological evaluations.
— Flight crews should have worn iron coats-of-mail, and other body armor.
— The Port Authority should have equipped the WTC towers with huge airbags, or electromagnetic shields.

If enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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