A Frank Guide to Preventing Voter Fraud By Frank J.
People are trying to subvert democracy, and it’s up to us to stop them. Thus, we need to stop voter fraud. Here are some tips on how to do that:
* Post signs saying, “If You Vote Incorrectly, You Will Be Shot.” If someone charges voter intimidation, stare at him menacingly.
* If you see someone trading crack for voter registrations, take the crack away and don’t give it back until he apologizes.
* If someone is wearing red, he may be a Communist! Don’t let him vote but instead throw him in the pokey.
* Monkeys aren’t allowed to vote, so, if you see any monkeys, chase them away! Bad monkeys interfering with democracy!
* A terrorist attack is a great way to distract from an election. If a nuclear bomb goes off, don’t take your eyes off that ballot box!
* Yank on everyone’s mustaches to make sure no one is trying to vote again with a fake mustache. If someone protests, he must be a fraudster! Into the pokey with him!
* Democrats are known for fraud or just voting wrong, so it’s best to just not let them vote.
* Check everyone’s ID before letting him or her vote. You can tell if an ID is real if it burns with a blue flame.
* Watch over everyone’s shoulders as they vote to make sure they’re doing nothing fraudulent. If someone complains, he must be a fraudster! Into the pokey with him.
* If you catch a fraudster, hang him on the spot. His corpse will then discourage others from fraud. If someone complains of voter intimidations, remind the person you have more rope.
* If someone has shifty looking eyes to you, he’s probably a fraudster! Better safe than sorry, so throw him in the pokey.
* Everyone should only get one vote. If someone says he won a second vote in a McDonalds giveaway, carefully inspect the free vote card to see if it appears real.
Remember: Democracy is important, so, whenever in doubt, throw someone in the pokey
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.