A Movie Review Of “The Matrix: Revolutions”

Let me be up front with you; “The Matrix: Revolutions” was a terrible movie. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it was easily the worst film I’ve seen at the theater this year. Just in case you’re not getting my meaning, I’m saying that you shouldn’t go see this movie. But you’re wondering, “What if I’ve seen the other two movies and I just want to finish out the trilogy?” Have you got wax in your ears? Let me repeat myself; don’t go see this movie! “But, the Matrix 1 & 2 were my two favorite movies of all time,” you say. How many times do I have to say this? Don’t go see this hideously bad, soul-suckingly atrocious, godawful movie! “But Hawkins, my cousin is in the movie. He even had a speaking role! Plus, my first child is named Neo and…” Let me stop you there. Let me put it this way; do not go see this movie tomorrow, the next day, if your friend says he’ll pay your way in, when it comes out on video, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc; just don’t do it! Friends don’t let friends go to see, “The Matrix: Revolutions”.

Why you ask? There are so many problems with this movie and most of them were carried over from the last movie. To begin with, the dialogue ranges from banal at best to pure incomprehensible philosobable at worst. As if we didn’t get enough of conversations like this in the second movie…

Neo: So was that a choice you made?

The Oracle: Well what is choice?

Neo: So you’re implying that the choice you made was about whether to choose?

The Oracle: Right, in the choosing comes the choice!

Neo: Choice, choice, choicety choice?

The Oracle: Choicety choice, choice, choice, choice!!!!!

I’m repeating that dialogue back from memory, so it may be a little off, but it was every bit as ridiculous as that and it wasn’t the only time the movie came off like it was written by a bunch of 4th year philosophy students with too much time on their hands.

Then there’s the fact that the overwhelming majority of the movie took place in and around Zion. That’s kind of odd if you think about it. I mean you’d think that in a movie called the “Matrix,” there would actually be more than a handful of scenes that actually took place in the matrix. But instead, much of the action revolves around the dull & insubstantial characters from the Matrix 2. Morpheus, the uber-cool [email protected] from the Matrix 1 and 2? In this movie, he’s reduced to being a co-pilot to…hell, I can’t even remember her name. In the one fight scene that he and Trinity get in the movie they have to follow the lead of the Bruce Lee program who protects the Oracle, who again, absolutely nobody cares about seeing on screen except perhaps his mother. What about “The One”? Well, let me put it this way; Neo went 0-2 in his fights in the Matrix and had such flat and robotic responses to everything going on around him that you had to wonder if Agent Smith gave him a lobotomy when no one was looking.

Now I hate to belabor the point, but I just cannot imagine what possessed the people writing this movie to have a 25 minute long battle between hordes of sentinels and the mech-warriors that were guarding Zion. Not only should that battle have been over in two minutes flat given how incredibly mismatched the two sides were, but the first two installments of this series didn’t draw people to the theater by featuring a bunch of no-name losers in clunky robot suits duking it out with robotic squid.

So to sum it up, this movie blew like hurricane Hugo. I say that despite the fact that the special effects & the fight between Neo and Agent Smith (who was the only interesting character in the whole movie incidentally) were outstanding. It doesn’t matter how good the special effects are if the script needs to be rewritten from top to bottom and that was certainly the case with this movie. Thumbs down, way, way down…

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