Al-Jazeera Unveils New Reality Show American Jihad
Al-Jazeera Unveils New Reality Show American Jihad By Shamus Young: Al-Jazeera television is taking a page from western infidel networks with its hilarious new reality series American Jihad. In the show, 10 would-be human bombs compete for fame, martyrdom, and fabulous cash prizes. The first one to complete his mission will get $1 million in cash for their surviving families from the House of Saud.
Islamic Mullahs have also increased the payout each contestant will receive in the afterlife. Normally each murderous bomber would be entitled to 67 virgins, but one lucky winner will get an astounding double payout of 134 afterlife virgins. The show will run for 10 weeks, with each episode featuring another hopeful, homicidal bomber and some unexpected twists that are sure to keep the audience and the bombers guessing. Promised one Al-Jazeera executive, “We are going to put the “fun” in Fundamentalist Islam!”
As the contestants are finding out, it takes more than a suicidal bent and blind, ravenous hatred for their fellow human beings to complete their mission. Players are learning that the judges have a few tricks up their sleeves that will make getting the money and virgins a real challenge for even the most murderous psychopath.
Ahmed Akbar was the first to discover that jihad isn’t always fair, when he ran into a crowd of his enemies screaming, “Death to America!” His rage turned to humiliation, however, when the bombs strapped to his chest released not fiery death, but a sweetened fruit punch. Said Akbar, “It was very embarrassing. The punch ran down my front and made it look like I’d pissed myself. A few seconds before I’d been screaming and now I was in a crowded room with everyone staring at me and my underwear full of sticky children’s drink. The people were pretty angry and I had to really run to escape them. I had to outrun an outraged crowd of infidels and kuffers with wet pants. I won’t fall for that one again!”
The next contestant, Abed Sahif was careful to make sure he was given live explosives before being blindfolded and taken to an unknown location to perform his act of senseless slaughter. It wasn’t until the last moment that he realized he’d been led back to his own neighborhood. Said Sahif afterward, “Those guys are clever. I’m glad I recognized the voice of my uncle nearby or I might have blown him up. That could have been really embarrassing to blow up people I care about.”
Sources have revealed the next show will contain a hilarious twist, when the next contestant is sent charging into a nightclub filled with mannequins dressed as American tourists. Said the producer of American Jihad, “I can’t wait to see if he really blows himself up without making sure there are live infidels around. This is going to be hilarious.”
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