American Islamic Leaders Warn Of Anti-Muslim Backlash Following Next Month’s Nuking Of Tel Aviv — Satire By The Sanity Inspector
Bleurters News Service, (WASHINGTON)
The D.C. Islamic Eternal Justice Endeavor against War and Stereotyping (DIEJEWS) yesterday issued a strongly worded statement condemning a rising backlash against Muslims following next month’s nuclear bombing of Tel Aviv, Israel by Iran. The press release warned against an increase in anti-Muslim discrimination, hate crimes, and government harassment following the destruction of the unofficial Israeli capital city next month, as announced by the Iranian government.
“We call on all Americans of goodwill to hold fast to our traditional American values of tolerance and diversity,” the statement said in part. “No justification is possible for the heightened tensions and increased suspicions against innocent Muslims following next month’s tragic events. The chilling of Islamic-American relations will overshadow the great strides made since 9/11 in rolling back jingoism.” The statement stopped short of calling the nuclear bombing of Tel Aviv by the Islamic Republic of Iran a terrorist act, but called for “restraint by both sides” in future crises.
“Next month’s nuking of Tel Aviv and the subsequent dancing in the streets by Muslims worldwide have nothing to do with Islam,” DIEJEWS spokesperson Marysuellen al-Shahid said in a telephone interview. “We condemn what’s going to happen. People claim they are doing it for Islam, but it’s really in spite of Islam. The first people to suffer, after the victims, are the Muslim community. There is no justification for such a horrible crime in Islam, any other divine faith or even the court of human conscience, no matter how many sermons have been preached in mosques calling for exactly this. People have to remember that even though the Revolutionary Council of the Islam Republic of Iran has nuclear weapons and will use them, they are only a tiny minority of Muslims, who are peace-loving. In fact, the Arabic word for “peace” means the exact same thing as the English word for peace–but do the news media ever report that? And can you speak up a little? I can’t hear the phone so good through this burka.”
In a related development, Nevergreen University announced that, in advance of next month’s attack and backlash, all students will be required to attend a “sensitivity workshop” on various aspects of Islamic life, beliefs, and customs. Students will “graduate” by coming before a panel from the university’s Islamic Studies department and apologizing for the battles of Tours, Malta, Lepanto, Khartoum, and the Gates of Vienna. The panel will grade them on the sincerity of their regret, and grant extra credit for not being able to name the victorious Christian commanders.
“Obviously no one approves of vaporizing a whole city of Jews, no matter how much they deserve it,” said university vice-president Batson D. Belfry. “But you never know when the reactionary upbringing of many of our students may impose a simplistic, black and white judgmentalism on quite complex matters. Next month’s anti-Muslim backlash is extremely hurtful to our Muslim students, and to all members of the university family. So, we want to get a headstart and try to challenge the students’ preconceptions about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and yes I am making those air quote thingies with my fingers. Minds are like ICBM re-entry vehicles–they function best when properly aimed and programmed.”
This satire was used with the permission of Atlanta Rofters.
The idea for this post is cribbed from commenter Angus Jung over at Scott Burgess’ place. (Thanks to Tim Blair for identifying him.) The post itself is a pallid imitation of the kind of news satire that Rand Simberg and Victor Davis Hanson are geniuses at. Steal from the best, I always say…