Another College Class Studies RWN

Hey look! It’s another group of college students studying RWN! This time it’s a bunch of crazy kids from the, “English 155 Fall 2003” class from California State University Northridge! Their assignment is to visit 4 webpages (of which RWN is one) and then they are to, “answer the following question: How does this writing compare to the academic writing we have been doing?”

Because I, John Hawkins, care so much about the education of our nation’s youth, I am going to help these kids out by doing their homework for them! Yes, I am going to compare RWN to academic writing give academic writing the figurative beating it so richly deserves.

The most important thing you need to remember about academic writing is that it’s HIDEOUSLY boring. I’m talking about claw your eyes out with a fork, throw yourself into traffic, practically a Geneva Convention violation it’s so dull, writing. I mean let’s be honest here, the teacher’s assistant who’s going to be grading your papers will probably have to drink like Ted Kennedy at a bachelor party just to make it through the week.

Now you may think, “OMG, Hawkins is saying I’m a boring writer! How will I ever live with the shame?!?!? That’s it, I’m quitting school and sitting on the corner and begging for spare change for a living,” but it’s not your fault your writing is so boring. Academic writing is boring BY DESIGN! How do you think the leftist eggheads who are professors at your college keep their cushy jobs? It’s all a scam! They get to spend their days playing Everquest in their office, hitting on impressionable young freshmen, and mocking the teacher’s assistants who do all their work and you know why? Because only handfuls of normal human beings can make it through the soul sucking monotony of reading those academic papers! Why do you think Glenn Reynolds, a well-adjusted human being who’s a professor, has time to make 4543534 posts per day on his blog? It sure isn’t because he’s digging through a thick stack of academic writing every night.

So don’t listen to your professor’s delicious lies about how she’s teaching you how to write. She’s turning you into Ross Gellar from Friends. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Friends? I like that show & oooh, Ross slept with Jennifer Anniston! This sounds pretty good…,” WRONG! Not that Ross Gellar. Your professor is turning you into the Ross Gellar who drones on and on about dinosaurs until the other character’s eyes glaze over and they look desperately for a way out of the room like a fox with its front paw pinned in a trap. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? To be even more insipid than listening to Al Gore & Joe Lieberman discuss what kind of tie makes Al look more like an alpha male?

I’m only telling you this because I care…or because I want you to fail the course, I’m not saying which!!!

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