Are We Doing Enough to Earn Iran’s Love? — Satire By Liberal Larry

As Bush has so aptly demonstrated, any idiot can make enemies. But it takes a man of courage, compassion, and a robustly French approach to diplomacy to turn enemies into friends. Senator John Kerry is such a man. On a fact-finding mission to Syria – a mystical land where facts magically leap into the laps of U.S. senators like horny Bichons Frisés – Kerry urged Bush to open a dialogue with both Syria and Iran in the hopes of winning their much needed assistance in Iraq.

Crawling to the enemy is a brilliant strategy, one that the Shrub would certainly never approve of. That’s because he doesn’t posess an inkling of the diplomacy skills that seemingly ooze out of John Kerry’s stately pores like the stench of cat p*ss from a Chinese opium addict. Iran and Syria are by no means perfect. Indeed, they’re actively supplying the Iraqi Freedom Fighters with the weapons they’ve been using to kill and maim our troops as well as scores of innocent civilians – but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. For the sake of peace and goodwill, we must have the courage to put aside our petty differences and find common ground with those who openly plot our destruction.

Befriending our enemies is John Kerry’s raison d’être. In fact, some may say it’s his whole reason for existence. But it’s a task that he cannot shoulder alone. Each of us must look into our hearts and ask ourselves what we are doing in our homes and our workplaces to show Iran and Syria that we are deserving of their love.

Have you called for the downfall of Western Civilization and the destruction of the illegitimate Zionist regime today? Have you denied the Holocaust or blamed your problems on those rascally Jews? Have you burned a U.S. flag in protest of the Great Satan’s imperialist occupation of the Muslim holy land? If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, then you and your fellow Berkeley Professors have done much to lay the Foundation of Friendship upon which John Kerry will build his Luxury Penthouse of Appeasement.

Unfortunately, there those who would rather make enemies than friends. They would talk to Iran and Syria not with finely nuanced words of respect and understanding, but with bullets and bombs. Their primitive neocon ideals make them incapable of compromise, even as Iraq finally becomes the quagmire John Kerry had always hoped it would be. So until John Kerry is restored to the White House in 2008, we can only hope that our own personal gestures of goodwill will be enough to earn the love of those who dwell snugly in the armpit of the International Community.

This satire was used with permission of BlameBush!.

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