Bush Stagnated My Air By Liberal Larry
My radio alarm clock woke me this afternoon with the horrifying news that an “Air Stagnation Warning” would be in effect for the Greater Seattle Area throughout the entire holiday weekend.
Good Goddess! What terrible new ecological nightmare has Bush sprung on us now? Arsenic in the drinking water, global warming, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and now “Air Stagnation?”
I certainly wasn’t going to take any chances with my health. Regretfully, I’d have to cancel my trip to my grandmother’s this Thanksgiving.
“Gosh, Larry, I don’t recall even inviting you,” my heartbroken Grandma told me over the phones minutes later. “As a matter of fact, that restraining order is still in effect.”
“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” I replied, “My mind is made up. You racist Nazis will just have to celebrate white man’s eradication of the indigenous peoples without me this year. It saddens me just as deeply as it does you.”
“Your grandfather is loading his shotgun,” said Grandma. “Ned! Put that thing away! He’s NOT coming!”
“…And when you’re sitting at the dinner table with all my inbred neocon cousins,” I continued, “remember to be thankful for all the kids who died in Iraq so you can have a full tank of gas. That’s blood on your hands, not cranberry sauce, you know.”
“I’m thankful for a lot of things,” Grandma snapped, “but you aren’t one of them.” The senile ol’ bat is sure getting cranky in her old age.
“No use begging, Gramma,” I told her. “I’m not going to ruin my lungs on a toxic pocket of stagnant air just so Bush’s big turkey buddies can line their feathery pockets. But if you can convince your beloved Shrub to ratify Kyoto, perhaps I’ll make it down for Winterfest next month.”
“Winterfest?” Grandma snorted. “You mean Christmas?”
“STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME, YOU FUNDAMENTALIST KOOK!!!” I screeched and slammed the phone down, shattering my Nokia into a hundred pieces across the kitchen counter.
You try to be nice to these people in the spirit of the holidays and they start proselytizing like Pat Robertson at a transgendered abortionist’s same-sex wedding.
Right wing intolerance knows no bounds.
This content was used with the permission of BlameBush!